She was sinking, falling. She struggled to open her eyes, but her world was a blur, a mirage. Not real.  Could it be real? All around her there was blaring light and muffled voices, but she couldn’t lift her head to see where they came from. A man wearing a white coat came into view and spoke. Mike? Marlena couldn’t make out what he said, but his face seemed full of reassurances, empty words in a tone meant to calm her. Then there was a tunnel of soft blue light surrounding her. She wanted to say something, or get up, but the pain was too intense. Her eyes closed in their heaviness, and she sunk back into herself.  There were other moments of time when she drifted in and out of consciousness, but she couldn’t remember them clearly. Time was irrelevant. It was not now, or then, or later. There was only pain. More pain. Less pain. It was the only constant. She was sinking. Down. Down. Down. No bottom, only down—forever.
Was she crying? She couldn’t be sure. It must be because she was burning. She was sinking, and she was burning.

There has to be an end to the suffering. She deserved this. “It was all my fault!” she trusted him when he promised her it'll all be ok.  There was a kiss. A touch. A few more kisses. A few more touches. she didn’t know what to do. she didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t all her fault! Forgive me. Forgive me. My love…forgive me. she opened her eyes. For certain this time. Dark. Just a low lamp in the corner.

Startled, she tried to move all at once, and her entire body contracted in pain with the effort. For a moment she thought she might still be dreaming.

 

She squinted and leaned forward. Fuck the pain. John, sitting eerily unmoving and in the dark with her. “Try not to move, Doc,” he said just above a whisper. He leaned into the light. The initial impulse was to move but the pain stopped her, and John, his appearance disarming. He looked rough like he’d been to hell and back. Her as well. Every second of that moment played again, in fast forward, then slow motion, then fast again.  So was she getting him back?. she couldn’t muster any emotion one way or another. she was just…numb. Empty and buzzing. He rose from the chair and came toward her. “Don’t be afraid. You’ll be all right now.” she wasn’t afraid. She wasn’t all right and never would be. “Your body is bruised, but nothing’s broken. You have some internal bleeding, but the baby is ok. You’ll heal, but I’m afraid all I have to offer you is my memory.” His words made no sense to her. She was still alive. And in her mind, still with John.

 

“John, where am I?” she hardly recognized her own voice. It was hoarse and gravelly, as dry and brittle as her throat felt. “the hospital. You are unconscious, baby,” he said.

He reached for her hand. Her fingers stretched out to him.

“I need you” she raised her hand to his hair. Did he have blood in his hair? Blood. Everywhere. Marlena shut her eyes and blocked it out. She wanted to stay numb. To stay with him like this. She didn’t want to remember the helicopter.

But she needed to know. Get it over with. Please.  “I’m sorry, Doc,” he whispered. He was sorry?. Her face did some weird scoff-laugh-cry thing. It hurt, he continued. “For what he did to you….I’m sorry I couldn't stop him” No matter how many times he said he was sorry, she couldn’t take it. Her eyes were stinging. She couldn’t believe she still had tears. She hated it. She hated it because she loved him so much and she was obviously dreaming.

 

She woke up in stages, her dreams mixed with reality, and she was no longer sure of what was real and what was only in her mind.

Dreams were her way of escaping her everyday life. You think you can escape from things.  You think you have escaped from things. But they’re right there, after all. The things she didn’t want to think about. The things she didn’t want to feel.  There were two ways to get through something like this, she finally realized. Being utterly dead inside and completely cold-blooded.
Or being 100 percent obsessed with living.

 

At first, she had thought she was the first. She had told herself she was the first. Post-human, that’s how she preferred to think of herself. Beyond human needs and weaknesses. And it had seemed to be working; there had been moments when she thought she was winning, but they were getting rarer. As time went by, she was losing too many rounds. She couldn’t be as cool inside, as cold-blooded, as she needed to be, as she naturally would be if that’s what she really was. And so she realized, dead as she was, she wasn’t quite dead enough. Not to compete with this Kit. The other option was the alternative she’d been avoiding, the life she’d been avoiding. How could she let herself feel alive enough, want to be alive enough to fight this? The physical pain was one thing. The emotional pain was something else again. She didn’t want to feel that again. And if you were alive, that was the risk.
She finally admitted, she did want to live.

 

“John stay with me!” she snapped her eyes open, “It was only a dream…” she thought and sighed. Her vision was somewhat fuzzy but she could see two people.

One of them looked at her. He was right in front of her: it was Mike. “Marlena, it’s Mike. You're at the hospital. Can you talk to me?” Marlena lifted her right hand to her throat. The slightest movement tired her. “Juliana, could you please get Dr. Evans some water?” Juliana hurried for the liquid. Marlena watched Juliana return with a glass and a straw. She handed it to Mike, who put the straw to Marlena’s lips. “Drink slowly; your stomach has been empty for a while.” Marlena began to sip, as the water cooled and refreshed her parched throat. While she continued to drink, Laura spoke to Mike. Each sip soothed, while at the same time, created a buzzing sound which filled her head. She could see Laura’s lips moving, as well as Mike’s, but she only heard the buzz. When he removed the straw from her lips, the buzzing ceased. “Oh, I was so thirsty..that was so good,” Marlena spoke. The room went silent. They both turned to her. Laura spoke first. “Marlena, thank God. How do you feel sweetie?” As she leaned over her, she realized she was in a hospital bed. That made sense. She wondered how she’d sat up.

“I feel… I feel… tired… and kind of dizzy...where’s John? “ Her voice quivered with uncertainty and pain.

 

“Marlena...I know this can’t be easy for you. What you’ve been through…” Marlena heard her swallow, she was ignoring her question, why?
“I can’t imagine it,” Laura continued. It reeked of pity and she didn’t want it. Not from her, her best friend. She reached her hand out to touch hers and Marlena instantly recoil.

“Laura…” she mumbled, “I can’t do this...I don’t want to talk about it”

Laura held up both her hands and stepped away. Marlena’s breathing began to settle and the black ring surrounding her vision dissipated until the world was once again in high definition, color. Mike cocked his head and stared at her like she was a riddle he wanted to solve. The look was heartbreakingly familiar.  Marlena rolled her head toward the window, staring at the light filtering through the horizontal blinds. Her stomach clenched. John. His name whispered through her mind. He used to look at her that way. Her body ached. She missed him. She missed him so much. She felt tears again, sliding down the corners of her eyes. Laura tried again. “How are you feeling Marlena? I’ve been briefed by Mike who was present during your initial exam” Marlena swallowed hard. Memories assaulted her, but she fought them. This was exactly what she didn’t want. “My friend..talk to me,” Laura said her panic was rising. Already Marlena’s chest was heaving and the world was black around the edges. Tears choke her. The pain of the post-Kit world was endless but the pain with the unknowing of what happened to John was worst. Much worst. she knew it would be. “Belle and Brady want to come to see you,” she said, placing her hand on top of Marlena’s. Her eyes lighted up with joy and she nodded.

 

“Oh I wish that I could but… I don’t think it’ll be a smart idea bringing them here...I don’t want them seeing me like this”, tears ran down her cheeks and she didn't even brush them off. ”very well, my friend, I understand” Laura smiled, looking at Mike who came to stand right beside her “Marlena. It is so good to see you...I’m glad you’re back. I’m sorry to interrupt your conversation but I need to finish your physical exam if that’s all right with you” he offered her a sweet smile and she nodded again in agreement

“Do you want me to stay?”, Laura kept her palm on her friend’s hand

“yes, please?”

“Marlena, I need you to lay on your side,” he said, coming to stand at her back, helping her roll. Mike spoke soothingly as Laura helped Marlena remove her nightgown and tubes. He pushed on her side gently, his eyes widened with shock, Laura could see it but didn’t move. “Marlena, umm...I’m so sorry…” he didn't know what else to say, the “K” letter that was curved on her back was red and puffy still, she took a deep breath, not saying a word.

He went on with the examination, feeling the tension in the room. His mother simply stood there, holding her friend’s hands “Does this hurt?” he pressed at the small of her back, she flinched with pain. Mike saw the remnants of bruises on her arms, legs, and midsection and he knew she was feeling them too.

 

After he finished his examination, Laura helped her put her nightgown back on.

Closing her eyes, she felt nauseated. Abruptly her stomach revolted against the water. Initially queasy, she instantly knew she would be sick. “I’m going to get sick…” She sat up. He grabbed a basin, and the water she drank came back up. “Marlena, it’s okay. It’s normal. Your stomach has been empty for too long”

“No..” she cleaned her mouth with a napkin Laura handed to her, “I’m pregnant” the vomiting and saying that out loud for the very first time made her shake, and suddenly her head and body throbbed.

“Oh, Marlena..” was all Laura managed to say “do you-”

“I don't know” her eyes shut

“Marlena, I want you to see Dr. Baider. I really want an OB/GYN to check you before you’ll leave this hospital...”

The piercing memories caused her to cry. “Please Laura, I need to see John”, Marlena felt faint, and her body felt limp. She wanted to see John, but she was so weak. They wanted to know what happened—and she only wanted to forget.

When she closed her eyes and felt the pain, she saw Kit. She saw his rage, his fury, his unwillingness to stop. She remembered every terrifying minute until she blacked out. It happened two days ago, she still felt the agony. The weakness, combined with the unsettled stomach, told her it wasn’t going to end anytime soon.

Marlena wanted to go see John, that’s all she cared about.

“I want to see John. I need to know how he is” she coughed, her throat was so dry.

He gave her some more water but instructed her to only rinse and spit into the basin. It helped the terrible taste go away. Once her mouth again felt moist, she spoke, “Please, Laura." She said, "Is he... alive?"

Her whole body shuddered as she waited for Laura's answer.

Her friend looked down slowly.

No… It can't be.

"He’s in a coma, Marlena," Laura said sadly.

It was then that her whole world went black. It was like a switch and her mind turned off.

 

****

 

She was standing there, in what felt like hours, holding the door handle in her hand. Her palm was sweaty, and she felt so guilty for not barging into the room like she really wanted too. Something kept holding her back. Seeing him, was the only thing on her mind, for weeks, months, but now. Now she was afraid. If she’ll see him like that, it means that it was true. If she'll see him like that, it means that all that has happened indeed occurred and it wasn't only a bad dream.

“Sweetie, are you ok?” She could feel Laura’s soft hand on her shoulder, and it startled her, her mind was racing with questions, and she completely forgot her friend was right there with her.

“Yes..I…” words did not come easily and her breath caught in her throat, she tried again, “Laura, I need to see him...alone…” her face turned to the side, not really looking at her, she didn't want to explain any further, but Laura knew.

Laura caressed her shoulder and squeezed it lightly “I’ll be at my office.”

 

Tightly, her fingers closed around the metal knob, turning it, and she slowly opened the door. The cold air and the sound of the echo machine welcomed her in. There he was, laying in a white hospital bed, his mouth and nose covered with tubes.

Her legs took a few steps forward before she stopped beside his bed, her hand sent immediately to his hair, caressing his ever so gently, he looked so peaceful, she could have almost mistaken his condition with sweet heavy slumber.

“John..” she started, tears leaving the corner of her eyes, “It’s Marlena...I’m right here... it’s gonna be all right, you’re gonna be all right, sweetheart” she closed her eyes, leaning her head slowly to his forehead, kissing it. The sound of the door opening up, startled her and she turned to see Dr. Harper’s sympathetic smile. He got closer to her, “Marlena” his words were quiet as if he didn’t want to wake him up, as if it was that easy to do.

“He looks so peaceful,” she said, passing her long fingers in his black hair.

“Dr. Evans, John is in a coma, and we can’t tell when he would wake up” he started, although she didn’t ask anything, she never said a word. He continued, “We managed to get the bullet out, although, it came very close to his heart, and in cases of penetrating aortic trauma, patients normally don't last long due to heavy bleeding. In John’s case with the bullet partially penetrating the wall of the aorta, it created a plug that prevented immediate death and-”

“STOP, just stop!" Turning to him abruptly, she heard herself yelling suddenly, she couldn’t listen to it anymore. She was a doctor, she knew what it meant. She just wanted the bottom line, “Tell me...just tell me...Is John going to make it?” her hands crossed at her chest, unintentionally hugging herself. Her tears were pouring down her cheeks, she needed to learn the truth, she was kept in the darkness for far too long.

“He’s fighting Marlena...he’s stable at the moment but not out in the clear just yet.”

Getting closer to her, he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, she flinched and turned to face John, “I’m sorry” she heard him say before leaving the room.

 

“John” her voice was only a whisper, but it had a hard edge, “You’re a part of me...you know…” her palm came to rest on her stomach, she wasn't showing, not just yet. “Dr. Baider couldn't have the amnio...she said” her breath caught at her throat and her fingers sent to her lips, trying to hold back the tears. Taking a long deep breath, she continued, “she said I have a high-risk pregnancy...she explained it was due to...to the stress I’ve been through..I can’t have the amnio without putting my baby to risk..which means I will not know..” she sobbed “I will not know who’s the baby’s father until the delivery...Oh, God John...I need you here...I can't do this alone” her voice broke again as she was trying to explain. Trying to reason with all that was happening, but it was beyond reasoning. It was the cold, harsh reality she’ll have to live with for the next 3 months.

Stress. It was all due to stress. All she has been through at the last couple of weeks left her beaten down, numbed. Her mind was still caged, like a tiger at the zoo. And now, now she will have to live with the unknown..with the dread feeling that this could actually be, Kit’s baby.

Oh God, anything but that.

 

Lifting her head, she looked at him again, “I can't even imagine...I can't even imagine my life without you...We’ve always been together, even when we were apart, we were together...I could feel you...I felt your love...I heard your words” she caressed his chest, “I knew you'd come for me...I knew it...and ...” she broke again,” and no matter what happened, we always found a way to each other...like I know you will this time..” the machine kept beeping. The room was quiet, nothing but Marlena's intakes of air and the mechanical sounds.

 

She caught her breath, wanting to scream, but she had no voice left to scream. She could only whisper.  The words she said at this moment would matter more than any she had spoken to him before. She had to get it exactly right, "you're never going to leave me, I'm never going to leave you, this is not the end, you and I don't have an end, we'll be strong, you taught us to be strong... I love you".

She was drained. Lifting her broken body to the hospital bed, she curled up next to him, sobbing until she finally, after days, fell asleep.