“She has been broken. She has been knocked down. She has been defeated. She has felt the pain that most couldn't handle. She looked fear in the face. Week after week. Day after day. But yet, She never hides. And she always found a way to get back up. She was unbreakable. She was a warrior. “

 

 

****

 

Exhausted. It was the only word she could think of to describe how she was feeling – Exhausted. As she was running for hours. She was also in pain. As though someone has cut her open with a scalpel, the pain not sinking in until the flesh began to separate and she was bleeding out. She could hear the cry of her son as he took his first breath. Slowly, he was pulled out of her, one limb at a time. Until she was hollow. Hollow and yet, in excruciating pain – still alive. Still. Alive. Above her, there were sterile and industrial fluorescent lights. One of the bulbs was threatening to go out, and it flickered, buzzed, and struggled to stay alive.

 

Don’t think about him. Don’t think about him. John. Don’t think about him. There was always someone there. There was someone to take care of her. One to watch her heart, another her breathing, one to keep her numb. Don’t think about him. John.

In the corner of her mind, she saw him, watching her, standing next to her. “He looks so beautiful Doc,” said imaginary John. He smiled.  She cried. Loud sounds came out of her, so violent they shook her whole body. She couldn't make it stop. She wanted John.

 

“It’s a boy!” The doctor cried out triumphantly from between her knees. Her son’s first cries of life were like music to her ears. “You did so good Momma,” Laura murmured, peppering her head with kisses. “So good.” She beamed down at her, looking at every inch of the proud mother.

Marlena smiled weakly up at her. She was exhausted but happy that the pain was done. Her labor was fast, faster than her previous three, but the most painful one yet. It was worth it though, so worth it. The past few months haven’t been easy, but Laura has been by her side the whole way, and it felt like every day she missed him more and more.

 

John was so good to her, he treated her like a queen, and was an amazing father. She missed him so much and wished he could be there with her, support her. She wished he could be there with her.

 

They were happy once, she felt safe and content. The nurse whisked her son over to a little station that was set up, taking his weight and vitals down while the doctor finished up attending to her. “How do you feel, Marlena?” doctor Baider asked, rolling away from her bed and standing from her stool. She pulled off her gloves and tossed them in the trash.

“I feel good, just tired.” The doctor nodded. “That’s to be expected. Everything looks good, but you should take it easy for a few days. Do you want something for the pain?” she shook her head, “Yes.”

Doctor Baider smiled, looking at her. “I’ll write up the script, and someone will be around shortly with it. Do you have any questions?” Marlena nodded her head, “when can we have it done?” her tired face looked worried.

“Soon. I’ll let you both rest for a while, ok?” he warm smile eased her mind some and she nodded again.
Dr. Baider stepped forward, caressing Marlena’s shoulder. “Congratulations Marlena. I’ll be around later to have it done.”

 

“He’s just so beautiful…” Laura smiled at the little baby, holding him softly in her arms, she gave it to her, gently placing him where he belongs.

“He’s like a little angel... Marlena,” she sighed and looked at her, leaning down, kissing first his head then Marlena’s head.

“Yes,” she softly agreed with her. Unwrapping the blanket he was swaddled in, she took a moment to brush back her son’s black, downy hair and then bringing him up to her breast. He latched without hesitation.

“You sure about the name?” Laura asked softly. “Yes, I’m sure. I like James best.”

“Very well,” Laura sighed. “James it is.”

 

****
 

Back to the present….

 

(Chasing cars- Snow Patrol )

 

All he saw was light, grey ceiling and her. Her beautiful face. She looked at him with tearful eyes, he blinked, his vision faded to black every time he did so. Loud voices surrounded him. The pain in his chest hurt him immensely but not as much as the pain of the look on her face. He wanted to speak, he tried to say he was sorry, he wanted to make everything stop, but he couldn't, his limbs were heavy as his eyelids.

"John!" Marlena gasped as she suddenly saw his eyes fluttering.

“Code blue!” the EMTs burst through the big doors, rushing John on a hospital gurney

The hospital was cold, and the wind caused by their speed wasn’t helping. His head was resting on a pillow of a hospital gurney, and he looked up at his beautiful love. Memories from last night flooded his mind, and John could feel tears well up in his eyes.

“Stay with me…” she whispered, almost to herself.

They were moving fast at this point, rushing him to the ER, although she felt like everything was moving in slow motion, not fast enough. He was fading in and out of consciousness, only able to look at her for a few seconds at a time before his eyes closed again.

 

Marlena looked at John, blood flowing freely from his wound, one of the EMT pressing his chest, trying to contain the bleeding. In her mind she was still there, she remembered the sight of John as she pulled him into the helicopter, the sound of the explosion slicing through the night air as they took off. Closing her eyes, she tried to think of anything else. Her mind went to the promise of their future. It has been so long since she let herself think about it, but right now, it was inevitable…

 

...The beautiful song ended, a new one begun (“All of me” - John Legend). Remembering his plans for tonight he spoke a thousand curses in his mind and tore his lips from hers. “Shit! Oh shit, baby. We've got to stop.” he said, hoarsely.

 

“Oh, no, we can’t,” she whispered as she kissed him with small, continuous pecks across his face, refusing to believe he wanted her to stop.

“No, we must.” he groaned. “There’s something that….I...want to...do...first. ” he panted in frustration as her mouth drove him wild.

 

Marlena wasn’t listening. Her arms tightened around his shoulders, pushing her now pebble hard nipples against his chest and bringing her lower half even tighter to his. She felt John tremble against her and had to fight to keep herself from cumming on the spot as well.

 

John let out an animal growl. “Fuuuck!” he gasped. “Marlena, You’re gonna kill me if you don’t stop!”

 

Her eyes flashed fire as her nails dug into his shoulders. “Good! I don’t want to stop!”

 

“Baby….we, just....dammit! Please...we... must” he wailed.

 

“Nothing can be...more important…. now.. then you..” Marlena panted on a rushed breath. “making love...to..me!” She tried to reason with herself, and yet, could feel her resolve slipping away, and fought against it.

"Come on..." she teased, huskily, her teeth peppering his skin with sexy little bites.

 

“Stop!” he replied so sharply, her head snapped upward, nearly missing whacking the heavy oak door with a thud.

 

Marlena wanted to cry. “Why?” she moaned.

 

Waiting any longer to make love to him, seemed impossible, even though her conscience told her that he must have a very good reason for stopping her.

 

He looked at her as he tried to steady his breathing. “Baby, I've waited a long time to be with you like this again. I want us to both to …. Be on the same page about this.”

 

“But Honey... I need you so much....” She began as her hand stroked his cheek before John’s eyes quieted her, she was wild and longed for his touch.

“ I need you, too. And I want tonight to be perfect for both of us.”

 

“It will be!” she assured him.

 

“Yes it will,” he said in a voice that struggled for calmness.  John rotated his body until his own back pressed against the heavy wooden door, and he used it to brace himself as he lowered them both to the floor. Marlena's legs were still wrapped around his waist, as he stretched out his own, and held her securely in his lap. He raised a hand to cup the back of her head and stroked the other down her back.

“Marlena” he looked straight into her eyes “this is not how I planned this but I can’t wait any longer”.

Marlena smiled at him, and caressed his cheek, even as the words she tried to speak got lost behind the lump in her throat. It didn't seem to matter though, as John grinned and continued, sending his hand to his back pocket, pulling a beautiful white gold, princess cut ring, holding the precious jewelry between two fingers.

“Will you make me the happiest man alive and agree to be my wife?”...

 

The loud yells around her shook her back to the cold harsh reality. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she moaned quietly, "John? John! Stay with me. You hear me? Stay with me!" She pleaded as she ran beside him. She couldn't do this, she couldn’t lose him, anything but that.

He was unconscious now, a small air tube stuck at the side of his mouth. She looked at him, in fact, she couldn’t do anything else but looking at him, studying his face, the face she long to see for so long, something about his expression seemed peaceful, it eased her mind for some reason.

They were still running, and she was running right along with them, her barefoot feet hitting the cold hospital floor tiles. One would find this painful, but in this place and time, she couldn’t care less. Her whole body ached, she was bruised in body and soul, but once the adrenaline kicked in, everything else was futile, everything else came second, he was her top priority.

 

“Marlena!?” a familiar voice was calling out her name, she recognized it, it was Mike Horton, but she couldn’t look away from John’s face, she couldn’t stop her feet from running.

She was naked, save for John’s bloodstained shirt that covered her slim body. Still, she ran like the wind, like there was a killer on her tail.

“A 43-year-old male. Single gunshot wound to the back. We need a surgery room ready! STAT!”  the doors that led to the hospital ER opened with a loud swoosh, and she watched as the EMT's rolled the gurney through. Marlena was stopped just outside the doors, hardly breathing, the smell of the blood from John’s shirt was suddenly assaulting her senses, bringing memories to the surface.

She looked up and met a pair of eyes watching her warily, the nurse stared at her, a worried expression on her face, “Dr. Evans, the doctors will start working on John, they’ll try to get the bullet out, and stabilize him...but I’m sorry, you’ll have to stay here...you should get some hel-“

“No, Janet, please, please let me...in.. I’ve got to… I’ve go-“ she breathed heavily, her vision turned blurry, everything around her was fuzzy, and her mind felt like it was floating in space. The nurse watched as her eyes rolled to the back of her head before she collapsed, “Dr. Evans!” She yelled, reaching her arms out, rushing to catch the bruised woman in front of her.

 

Mike looked up when the doors to the Emergency Room opened. He was just about to open the door to the lab, but he caught a sight of Marlena running to the entrance of the ER. She was pale, and he could tell that she’s been crying. When she finally stopped her hands wrapped in her bloodstained shirt, and she looked like she was about to faint.

“Marlena?” getting closer to her and coming to a stop right behind her. She didn’t turn, he watched her body moving from side to side, and somehow he managed to catch her in his arms when she fainted, her weak body collapsed into his arms, almost hitting her head on the cold floor.

"Get me a gurney!"

 

****

 

The high pitch noise echoed her ears still. Looking at her man, lying unconscious on her lap while the explosion sounds filled the night’s air, was so surreal. The wind was cold, but not too cold. She was somewhat happy about it if anyone can be happy at times like this because all he had on were a pair of jeans. Marlena leaned in, trying to listen to his breathing, he was breathing still, but it was very shallow.

“Marlena..” she heard his voice but she didn’t look up, she couldn't care less about what that vile man has to say. Tearing her shirt, she took the piece of cloth and pressed it into John's chest, “baby..” Marlena managed to say, “I’m here...I’m here my love...don't let go...not now..”

“Marlena” Stefano repeated. The sound of the helicopter was loud, and it was easy to ignore him, she didn’t want anything to do with him. Nothing.

“Marlena, I came as soon as I could” he continued. She finally tore her gaze from John, glaring at him, hate burning in her eyes, “what makes you think that I'm interested in what you have to say?” she spat. She didn’t cry; instead, she steamed with anger. Of course, it was directed toward him but also at herself. She wanted this nightmare to end, but she couldn’t figure out the solution.

His expression was troubled, he got a little closer to them and she flinched, “My queen, when I heard what he was doing to you...I was-”

“Pleased?! Happy?!”

“No!”

“Why not? You only did the same thing!” she looked away, staring at John, the wound kept on bleeding, and she was worried, “just leave me alone” her voice was low and shaky.

“I can’t believe he treated you like a slave” he had to say what he wanted, her current state was not stopping him, ”A sex slave..when I watched the tape I-”

“You watched the tape?!” she shrieked, jumping like a viper to his kill, “what do you mean ‘you watched the tape’?”

“Well, apparently  Mr. Harington was sending John tapes, where he was raping you,” he was so blunt about it, like he was talking about something as casual as choosing a shirt out of the closet. “It was nothing like our lovemaking my dear, I was a wonderful lover-”

“SHUT UP!” she screamed to the night’s air.

Marlena watched his expression as he looked at her. It had been so long since she’d felt anything. Suddenly, she fought the rapid mixture of emotions stirring inside of her. Stefano watched as her eyes, which had been dull and dead, now contained a small spark, a spark of hate. She couldn't forget what happened. She will never forget it...

 

...He said nothing and turned her around, “my queen, now, I will have you as I always wanted… no one can stop us from our destiny as lovers”, he said and trailed kisses on her covered shoulder.

She flinched “ Stefano, just get on with it already” she managed to breathe out, trying to clean the blood off her palm somehow.

“ don’t worry Marlena, I’m just about to do so”, with that, he forcefully pulled the robe down her shoulders, his actions startled her; next, he extracted the robe’s silky belt. Stefano leaned into her, placing his hands on her waists, looking down, he saw her tight fists next to both sides of her body, holding her wrists he pulled them together behind her back, he tied them using the belt. This caused her breasts to raise up perfectly, he smirked.

Now she was afraid, “Stefano.. this… what.. what are you doing?” Mumbling was all she could manage right now.

He didn’t answer and placed his massive palm on her upper back,  slowly lowering her to lay on the bed, her chests are now resting against the soft fabric all the while her legs are still rooted to the floor beneath her, her white hills are still on.

“I know you like it rough... I can feel it, feel your energy... I know I’m right” he moaned and took off his remaining undergarments.

Actually, he wasn’t wrong, she and John were great fans of occasional rough sex, but never with him..never.. his caresses on her bare bottom, shook her back to reality...

 

...The pain pierced her, echoed through her body, and she could still feel his hand on her bottom. She sobbed quietly and breathed deeply. There were no further smacks, but what came after was worse, much worse, excruciating.

 

He couldn’t believe it. He was inside of her. She was all he ever wished for and more. This view of her was hypnotizing. A Part of him kept telling him to stop, to not take her without her true consent but it was too late, he was too far away from himself to stop now. Maybe it was the wine, perhaps it was her but all he could think of, is John and what he was hearing right now, he listened to every smack, every moan, every whimper and Stefano relish on it.  

 

She couldn’t take it. His moans behind her, him grabbing her waist so hard, she would surely have marks tomorrow... “Stefa-“ she tried to talk but her tears and choked voice wouldn’t let her.

She shut her eyes, images of her past experience rushed and resurfaced. It took her so long to get past that, well, you never really do. Scars remained, and from time to time, something might trigger it back. It could be a sound, a smell..right now, it was Stefano.

She wanted to plead with him to stop, she wanted him to let her go, to finish this nightmare but instead, she just cried into the blanket, biting her lower lip...

 

“Stefano, I remember. I remember what you were doing and saying. I remember you saying I would need to sleep with you in order to save John’s life, to gain my freedom.” Stefano nodded his head. He’d said that. Marlena’s eyes brimmed with tears.

“You called it consensual relations. They weren’t. You raped me, Stefano. Raped me. RAPED ME!” He reached for her shoulders. He intended to be gentle, but Marlena backed away, angrily.

His eyes said tender, but she remembered craziness, hate, lust. She didn’t know what to think or feel. Not feeling was so much easier. Confusion, apprehension, anger, and dread all bubbled up inside of her.

From Stefano’s expression, they also showed in her eyes. He leaned closer to her, and she shifted away. “Marlena, please stop.”

“No. You don't get to tell me what to do, Stefano. John has just been shot, I don’t know if he’s going to make it. I don’t think you need any more reminders on how to behave in these kinds of situations. Do you?” Barely audible, he replied, “No. you’re right, I don’t...Marlena, may I please hug you?” Her trembling resumed.

Sobs again resonated from her chest. His voice, still gentle was also firm. “it’s my helicopter, you’re on it. I don’t need your permission to do anything.” Marlena’s eyes closed as she tried to swallow her sobs. The nightmare wasn't over, she could hear Kit in his words.

Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fall apart, that’s true strength.

 

Marlena fiercely nodded her head as a no, she will not be a victim anymore. “Stay.away.from. Me” She braced herself and opened her eyes. Marlena looked at him, his expression, and his eyes. She closed her eyes again “leave me alone.”

“I just want to comfort you, Marlena, let me” He scooted next to her, sitting on the cold hard surface of the helicopter, and softly placed his arm around her back. She didn’t even try to hide the tension, and she couldn’t control her disgust at his touch.

She backed away, “Take your hands off me! Leave me alone!”.

His mellow tone whispered near her ear. “Have I told you how much I like the highlights in your hair?” She breathed in anger, so like Stefano to focus on the non-important things. He lightly stroked her hair. “I think you’re amazing. You’re so strong and resilient. I don’t deserve your forgiveness for what I did, but you deserve to hear me ask for it.” She didn’t want to look at him. Her emotions were too raw, shaking her head, she stirred away from his touch. “Marlena, I’m sorry I hurt you.” She felt the tears running down her cheeks, she wouldn't let these memories wash over her. Not again.Not now.

“I ask that one day you’ll consider forgiving me.” He kissed her hands, and she abruptly pulled them away, placing them on John’s chest.

“Don’t you ever touch me, not ever again.”

Her breathing caught in her throat, she closed her eyes and tried to keep it steady. Opening them again, tears ran down her cheeks, “take John and me to "University" hospital. Now”

The helicopter sound was hitting her ears again, and she leaned down to John’s body, trying to keep him warm.

 

****

 

"You came." was all he managed to whisper.

"Of course I came. I will always come. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Marlena got out past the choking feeling in her throat.

"Why such a baby all the sudden," he said, staring up at her with those piercing blue eyes. She weakly reached a hand up to wipe away the tears that had managed to escape.

"I didn't make it on time. I couldn't save you."

"Of course you made it on time, baby."she tried to smile

John looked at her bewildered for a second. What did she mean? Had the pain made him forget what had happened?

"John, don't you worry about it, the important thing is that you're here..with me...right?" she said quietly, the question slipping from her lips.

"I wanted to see you one last time. One last time before I-"

"No, don't speak like that. You will be fine. I promise John." The empty promise hung in the air as she struggled to continue speaking. They both knew it was futile. He was going to leave her.

"I love you." she blurted out. John managed a weak smile and slowly reached up his hand to her warm cheek. He held her face for a while.

"Marlena."

"Yes John?" she whispered, a choked sob escaping her throat.

"I lov-" he stopped suddenly, and his hand went limp and fell to her lap.

"John? Answer me! Please!"

 

The memory played again and again in her mind’s eyes.

He had been shot. Right in front of her, and she hadn’t stopped it. Hadn’t saved him. She’d let it happen. She’d been so caught up in her own feelings, the anxiety, the pain, she didn’t see Kit’s intent.

“Marlena, C'mon, we have to go inside.” Roman’s soft voice penetrated the murky cloud filling her mind. He helped pull her from her car and lifted her into his arms. She could walk. She should get out of his embrace and stand on her own feet. Roman brought her inside a dark apartment, her apartment. He left the lights off and brought her to her bedroom, sat her on the edge of the bed and helped peel off her shoes. “he’s dead,” she muttered, tears slipping down her face. The resolve she’d had before that kept her from crying, kept her from feeling the true terror and sadness finally broke. “It’s not your fault, Marlena.” Roman laid her down and pulled the thick, soft comforter up to her chin. “I want you to sleep, just relax, okay?” He sat next to her, brushing her hair from her face and petting her.

“He was trying to save me.” New tears burned on the edges of her lids. “I’m so stupid,” she whispered, blinking and letting the droplets fall. No longer caring about being strong, holding it together. “No.” Roman caged her face with his big hands. “No, you aren’t. You were kidnapped, abused on a daily basis. Nothing about what happened then or now is on you. None of it.” He sounded so angry, so burly. Pulling away from him, she snuggled into the pillows. “If he couldn't save me, how could anyone else?” She rolled to her side, away from him.

He brought too much comfort with his touch. She didn’t want it. He sighed a heavy sound. “Try to get some rest.” The bed bounced when he got up. The door clicked behind him, signaling she was alone. She’d better get used to it. Alone is what she was before, and what she'd be from now on.

 

She wanted sleep, to drift off into the darkness and forget everything that happened, from Kit, to the end of life as she knew it. Forget how horrible everything was, but it never came. The sharp pain in her chest finally ebbed to something closer to a throb. At times strong enough to knock her breath away, others soft enough just to remind her she was still among the living.

She hated that.

That should have been her.