Walking toward ICU Marlena was overcome with images of the frenzy that took place when they arrived two short days ago. Had it really only been two days, it seemed likes weeks had passed.

She slowly pushed the door to John’s room open. The tubes and beeps and various other noises still unnerve her, hating to see her strong viral knight, laying so helpless, not even breathing on his own, made her breath caught at her throat. He was her soulmate, the love of her life and she couldn't imagine living without him. The machines scare her because they remind her that he was human, flesh, and blood, and was no match for a bullet ripping through him. Oh, how she wished that they could have erased the last few months and be happy. Married. Laying in each other’s arms every night, making love till the wee hours. God, she missed him.

 

Marlena stepped to the side of the bed, and pulled the stool close to sit down, taking his hand careful not to disturb the IV, she pressed it softly to her cheek, spreading light kisses over his knuckles.

“Hi Baby, I missed having you in bed with me last night. I can’t wait for you to wake up and come home to us. I didn’t have a very good morning at all. When I woke up, there was someone at the house, he was entering our bedroom, it turned out to be Roman. He said that he was concerned and was only checking on me”, looking down at his hands, she thought she saw something moving, no, her eyes were just playing tricks on her, “I was so scared, I know it cannot be Kit, I know he’s dead...but still, I was terrified..”

Tears fell from her hazel eyes when she spoke, remembering the nightmare from last night, but she continued, something about talking to him, even if he didn’t reply, was helping her some. “Then I arrive at Laura’s office, to find her conspiring with her friend, a fellow psychiatrist, about me...I’m sure it was about me” she wiped her tears, looking up at his face again, the face she long seeing for months and months, “ She’s just concerned about me...I know that... and I appreciate their caring for me, I just wish they would back off and give me space…” Her cry was quiet. More whimpers than sobs. The kind of crying done when you’re exhausted and dehydrated. When you’ve already used up your supply of real tears, and this is all you have left. “The one person that I want and need to comfort me, is you.” a tiny smile curled up the sides of her mouth, “ So do me a favor huh? Wake up and come home to me…alright?” she sniffled, her eyes closed and her forehead leaned against his.

 

....“Are you okay, baby?” he asked softly.

“I asked for it.”

“What? Why would you say that?” John covered his eyes with his hand so she couldn't see his reaction.

“I let him touch me,” she said. “…I let him drug me...I didn’t stop him.” Her hands shooked in the cuffs. She wished he would hold them, when all of a sudden, like an instinct, he did.

He kissed her hair gently, and inhaled it deeply, holding her as she cried. She cried for her. For her lost time. For finally being in his arms again.

“Let go, baby..I’m here.”

She sniffed as tears spill. “It was my fault. I agreed for him to be my apprentice.” John gasped.

“No means no. I don’t care when you fucking say it, Marlena. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. Any halfway decent guy would have backed off.” Her heart clenched. There was quiet in the room, except her sniffling.

She was not property to anyone... she was his other half. She was his soul completed. Will words be enough to get her to understand how much he cared for her? He had no clue. John didn’t think she has ever understood the lengths he would go to keep her by his side. Love. He loved her more than life itself.

“Doc” he started, “we gotta go, I smell smoke. Let’s talk about this later. Ok?” he stood up, lifting her broken body with his, carefully. She was thinner than usual, he noticed a big gun wound at her upper thigh and he flinched. His hands quickly found the small keys and he un-cuffed her bruised wrists. Taking off his shirt, he wrapped her around with it, quickly closing the tiny buttons. “You ready?”

Her head bobbed up and down briefly before she said, “Yes. Please take me home John”...

 

A shiver ran through her body, and she held her head tall, wiping off her tears, trying to smile, trying to think of something else, of course, the kids. They were their proud and joy, and she knew he would have loved to hear about Brady’s witty comments and Belle’s cute word changes. “Oh, you would have loved that, I stopped by the pub and had breakfast with our children, they miss you very much and can’t wait for you to come home.” her eyes lit up when she mentioned the kids, they always did. “Belle ask if you were on “baycation” Brady quickly corrected her and said; ‘Daddy’s on a mission silly.’” a low chuckle escaped her lips, the sound was almost foreign, it’s been so long since she last laughed. “That’s what I told them because I didn’t want them to know you were hurt.” The tears begin to form again, and she just can’t seem to stop them.

“I should go now, my love,” she said as her voice cracked. Standing, Marlena leans over John’s bed, placing her lips softly on his forehead, leaving kisses. “wake up soon my love and come home with me, I miss you.” She whispers in his ear and quickly left the room before the tears will find her once again.

 

Stepping To the nurse's station, she collected her files as she wiped furiously at the tears running down her cheeks. She turned and ran smack into Stefano’s chest. Looking up she saw the face of nightmares.

“What the hell are you doing here Stefano?”

“I came to check on John’s condition, I was hoping that he would be out of ICU. For your sake of course.”

Marlena pointed a bent index finger at Stefano’s face, “You don’t get to ask about him, you don’t get to see him, you don’t even get to say his name. All you’ve ever wanted to do was to destroy him, you were jealous of him because you could never be him.” she was furious, hands fisted next to her body, lips set into a grim line.

He snarled, “Don’t be ridiculous Marlena, he and I were adversaries that’s true, can I help it that I want you, every man with a heartbeat and two eyes do. I respect John, he was my best mercenary-”

“GET OUT STEFANO!!” Marlena screamed; actually, everything about her screamed wild, intense, unpredictable. A thick silence bloomed between them. Her scream brought doctors and nurses running to look at them, they all knew that Dr. Evans would never lose her cool like that if it weren't for a good reason.

Marlena’s mouth dried out until her tongue felt like a lump of chalk. Goosebumps spread across her skin, and the smell of the hospital filled her nostrils, turning the world sideways and mashing her into cold floor. In her mind, She rattled him like a ragdoll: You will not think of this. You will not start this again, she thought. Stefano grinned an evil grin once more, and she saw herself screaming. She wanted to scream, right there, right now—fist his face, kick, flail, shriek, go crazy. But that would horrify everyone around, that was not her. She couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t do that. So, she stuffed down her screams and breathed quickly.

 

Mike was the first to round the corner. “Marlena, what is it?” looking beyond her, her saw Stefano, and his question was answered.

“Stefano you need to leave” Mike started, his voice was quiet and demanding, “you have no business here, and you’re upsetting Marlena.” and then he whispered, so only he could hear him, “she has been through enough”

 

“Mike, Mike, calm down. I was only here to check on my good friend John. I see you came running to Marlena’s rescue in a hurry. Are you trying to get in her good graces so that you might have a shot at the lovely Dr. Evans?” he smirked, knowing exactly what to say press on the right buttons.

Marlena’s eyes widened in response, but Mike was the first to attack.

“That’s it! Get out, or I’ll throw you out.”Mike starts at Stefano with fire in his eyes. Stefano lifts both hands up as if to surrender.

“Ok calm down, I’m going. I just wonder if you are not trying a little too hard Mike.” Stefano winked and smirked at them both before reaching for Marlena’s hand to kiss it. She jerked her hand back, and Mike placed a protective arm across her chest.

“See, I was right, you are after the fair Marlena.”

“Just leave, Stefano.” Mike hissed.

 

Turning to Marlena with both his hands on her trembling shoulders Mike stared at her, she was shaking, was it fear or anger, he couldn’t tell, “Are you okay Marlena? May I get you some water?”

“Yes, Mike that would be great thank you.”

Mike motioned for Amy to guide her to a seat, Marlena kindly brushed her off and sat on the bench outside of John’s door.

“Here you go,” Mike said, handing her a cup, she took it with trembling hands “May I offer you a ride home? You don’t seem to be in any shape for driving after that.”

“No thank you, Mike, I’m not going home right now. I have some work to catch up on, I’ve been gone for quite some time.” she took a sip of water and handed the cup back to Amy, Mike couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Do you think that’s such a good idea after all that you’ve been through? Maybe you should take a couple of weeks off.”

Marlena stood up pulling her bag onto her shoulder.

”I don’t need time off Mike I need for people to stop coddling me like I’m a porcelain doll who will crack apart at any minute” she was furious again, she knew everyone meant well, but enough was enough. “Now, please leave me alone and let me do my job.”

Marlena turned and walked to the elevator, she stepped in and pressed the button for the eighth floor with shaky fingers.

 

***

 

Marlena reached her office and greeted Cynthia.

“Hello Cynthiaת I would like for you to make a few calls for me,” She began telling her receptionist what all she wanted her to do as Cynthia took notes, eyeing Dr. Evans with curiosity. Marlena paused. “Is there a problem? would you like for me to repeat something?”

“Uh..no no Dr. Evans, it’s just that Dr. Horton said that you probably wouldn’t be back for a few weeks.”

“Well Cynthia, Dr. Horton doesn’t have to pay my bills or get caught up with my patients, so Dr. Horton does not get to say when I come back to work.” Marlena grabbed the messages stacked at the end of the counter and headed for her office, “I’ll leave the rest of what I need on your voicemail. I want no interruptions, Cynthia.”

She walked into her office, slamming the door behind her.

 

A few minutes have passed, and Laura walked into the reception area.

“Good morning Cynthia, is Dr. Evans in?”

“Yes she is Dr. Horton, but she told me that she was not to be disturbed, and frankly I don’t think she’s in a very good mood,” Cynthia mumbled and played with the pen, clicking on its cap.

“Oh that’s ok Cynthia, I’ll take my chances and the blame.” Laura walked over to the door, knocked once then walked in. Without looking up, Marlena said, “I told you I didn’t want to be disturbed.”

“Hello my friend, yes Cynthia told me that, but I told her that I would take the blame.”

“Laura, I’m not in the mood for this now, I've got lots to do.”

Marlena jerked her head up to look at her. She pursed her lips.

“I’ve heard. Mike told me that Stefano came by” Laura started

Marlena’s face was suddenly deadly serious. She understood then why she was there. This was a rescue mission. Save Marlena. Broken, pathetic, falling-apart Marlena. Her eyes narrowed. “Are you going to ignore what happened at your office?” Marlena spat

“Ok, you’re right...but only if you promise to hold it together.” her cheeks blazed. “Laura, after the day I just had, starting with Roman appearing in my penthouse and scaring the life outta me, to your talk with your Dr, Snow, then Stefano, No, I make no promises. Now, What was that all about? Tell me.” she’d gone behind her back. She’d talked to Dr. Snow without her knowledge. Marlena knew, she’d done it out of concern,  but it made her feel betrayed like she was an out-of-control woman who needed an intervention.

Marlena wanted to clear her desk with both hands and send its content on the floor. She was frustrated. “Promise,” Laura asked, knowing she was pushing it too far.

“Promise you won’t lose your cool.”

“Fine. Promise.” But her chest was spasming with hot rage and an unquantifiable degree of humiliation. “I said to her…that you were having a hard time. And that I was scared for you. I wish I knew what to do. I wish you would go and seek help” She lowered her eyes to the floor like she was afraid to see her reaction. Marlena's jaw clenched hard. If she cried, it would prove to Laura that she was right. She didn’t want her to know how much she was hurting—how much she’d hurt her, but why?

A pained croaking sound escaped her throat. Marlena slapped her palm on the desk, and Laura startled at the sharp noise. She glared at her “You know what, Laura? This is bullshit. Fucking bullshit. You don’t have a monopoly on my suffering.” Laura reeled backward, stunned at her anger, in as much pain as if she’d slapped her and not the table.  Her face stayed twisted with anger. “You and Roman think you know everything better than me. This is my life. MY LIFE. I’m a psychiatrist, I know what needs to be done here, but would you please let me do it in my own time, on my own pace? Couldn't it be enough for you to know that I will seek help, but not right now?” Marlena cast her eyes on the floor, every cell in her body burning with shame, she didn't mean to snap at her, what has become of her? She had anger, rage bottled up inside of her, but she was also so frustrated that they weren't listening to her.

“I care for you so much my friend, I’m not trying to hurt you, ”Laura said finally

“I know.” Her voice broke on the last word. It hit her then; She heard it, the other part of what she was saying. Laura suffered too. She was missing her like crazy when she was gone. Marlena raised her eyes to look at her.

 

Laura looked as though she’d been slapped. Marlena’s features soften, and her eyes looked glassy like she might cry.

“I’m sorry,” Laura said, “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t think—”

“No, I understand,” Marlena said. “Please, Laura, it’s fine.”

Laura came closer, slowly thinking of where to place her hands when Marlena pulled her to a hug, both ladies cried for each others suffering. Laura pulled away first, looking at her beautiful friend with tears in her eyes, “Just know that I am concerned and that I don’t mean to hover, I just worry about you that's all..”

Marlena nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand, “I know...I’m sorry, I just can't deal with it at the moment…

I don’t feel like my old self. Not anymore. I was different once. Now I’m like a watered down version.” her eyes lowered to look at their hands, which were locked in a tight grip in front of each other, Laura waited for her to collect herself and Marlena continued, “ I feel like I grew sharp edges, I had to... I can't seem to let anyone in. He made me this way, now I ended up here. I only remember the way I used to be …” when she finished, she turned to look outside the window. Long afternoon shadows covered the ground, it felt like they were seeking her, trying to creep their way into her broken soul.

Laura came to stand behind her, her heart came out to her friend, “Sweetie, you’re at the beginning of a healing process, and that’s terrifying, but I’ve never met a woman who was broken several times and put herself back together, using nothing but love.”

Marlena turned to face her, falling into her friend’s warm embrace.

 

***

 

After working for hours, Marlena looked up from her files and noted that it was 5 PM, she has worked straight through lunch and supper. That can be good for the baby she thought. Picking up the phone she called Cynthia, asking her to pick up some food for her from the cafeteria and releasing her home for the night. Right before placing the receiver back she heard Cynthia’s voice on the other side, “Oh, Dr. Evans, there is a Mr. Brad Sawyer here to see you, he says it’s urgent.”

“Cynthia, I told you that I’m not seeing anyone today.”

The girl was trying to say something, but Marlena heard a muffled sound of something moving, and she suddenly heard the voice of a man, she didn't recognize it, he was grabbing the phone from Cynthia’s hand at her protest, “I’m sorry Dr. Evans but I really must talk with you for just a minute. I’m with the ISA, and we have a few questions for you.”

Placing her palm on the receiver beneath her mouth she hissed something, a curse before she removed it away and cleared her throat, “The ISA you say, well I have a few words for you. Please come in.”

She slammed the phone down as the sturdy man paced into her office, she stood up. His blond hair reached just under his ears, and his green eyes sparkled when he smiled at her, “Dr. Evans,” Sawyer extends his hand to shake hers, “I’m agent Brad Sawyer, but everyone calls me Sawyer.”

Cynthia ran right after him “I’m so sorry Dr. Evans” the young girl looked at her, embarrassment in her eyes, “That’s quite all right, Cynthia. I’ll take it from here” when she spoke her eyes never left Sawyer’s. The girl nodded with consent and closed the door behind her, leaving them alone.

 

Crossing her desk, she came closer, but she didn’t take his outstretched hand; instead, she spoke, “So, Sawyer, what brings you here, hasn’t the ISA screwed my life up enough? Or are you back for more of my blood.” her voice turned angry, Marlena was wild and angry, and she couldn’t stop shaking, but he acted like he wanted to make amends.

 

Sawyer took a deep breath, and a stepped forward. “I’m here first to apologize on the behave of the ISA for the pain and suffering that you and your family have endured at the hands of our former agent Kit Harington. I wanted to extend our-” he straightened his spine defensively.

 

“That.Is.Enough”, Marlena stood up, interrupting his words “I don’t want, nor do I need, an apology from the ISA. What I need is my life back. What I need is for my fiancé to be out of ICU and whole again.” raising a finger in front of her face, she continued, “What I don’t need is a flimsy apology about a rogue agent that went off the deep end. An agent that should never have passed his physic evaluation in the first place.” her voice broke down, but it was due to anger. Her body started shaking with rage, a vision from the time she realized who Kit really was, swooshed her mind…

 

…."You’re an ISA agent?" Marlena said, "No...there’s no way...." She shook her head, letting her messy golden hair fall over her eyes. Her breathing turned ragged, what was the meaning of all this? She was frantic and even more afraid than she was before. Now, she realized and could fully comprehend the length of this actions; there was no stopping him.

 

"You’re an ISA agent, and your mission in life was to take me, hostage, hold me against my will...r-rape me?..I- I don’t understand..." She lifted her fingers to her lips; they were trembling. "Why...why did you do it,  Kit? You Knew….", She shivered, remembering their first session, she whispered “You knew what happened to me...you knew what Stefano did..and yet...why did you rape me?” flicking her hair so she could glare at Kit again.

 

….. "You… you're not serious... you can't be that desperate, that evil, Please release me, let me go back home!".Kit nodded to himself; here was the expected reaction. "I don't consider myself evil or desperate, Marlena," he said. "I have, after all, waited months for you. For the perfect timing. I've spent a great deal of time, energy, and resources setting this up. John thinks you're at the conference. This isn't desperation, ‘Doc. This is a triumph. I have earned this. I have you exactly where I want you. I have succeeded. You are alone, Marlena. There is no one to save you".

Marlena's fingers grasped the table hard. She knew she was in trouble before but now... It was like she finally looked down and noticed the gaping chasm opening under her feet.

 

"You've been waiting for me? How... how long have you planned this? All those months of mentoring. No... no way..." She shook her head violently and scrambled to her feet, "You can't... you can't just do something like that...".She slammed her fist into the table. She wished she had marched up at him and slap him across his smug face, but she couldn’t move. The realization of his deceit was too shocking, and she couldn’t think straight. This was all starting to feel like a bad nightmare. "Think about this for a moment, Kit. I was your mentor! Your friend! You don't really want me....” she tried a different technique, she might just convince him to let her go, to be reasonable, but as the words came out of her mouth, Marlena knew she’s wasting her time.

"And why wouldn't I?" he asked. "You're beautiful with a fiery passion unmatched by any I've ever known. You are a gorgeous woman. You're strong, capable, willful, stubborn. Why wouldn't I want you?" He glared at her with lustful eyes. "Besides, after touching you once, there was no way I won't come back for more.".Kit reached for her, gripping her hair in one hand and shoving his tongue into her mouth. He held her jaw tight and kissed her relentlessly. Marlena struggled against Kit but didn't manage much beyond pulling her hair. Kit broke the kiss, spinning her around, pulling her into a tight hold, her back to his chest. The taste in her mouth grew unbearable, and she reflexively swallowed. When Kit's hand lowered a moment later, she was genuinely surprised that she was still conscious.."Y-you're nuts, Kit... You're not going to get away with this..." She struggled in his arms but worn out, to him, she was just a feisty little girl not as strong as her captor….

 

Her mind came back to reality, Sawyer just stood there, waiting for her to speak again, he knew it was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. He only knew terrible things had happened to this woman in front of him, what things? He didn’t know.

“Dr. Evans-”

She lifted her hand in front of her body, he stopped, waiting for her to finish her thoughts;

“The ISA had years with this madman, and couldn’t tell he was insane. Then you unleash him on unsuspecting people so he can destroy their lives. Ha, I guess I’m lucky to have come through it alive, was that what you were going to tell me? Am I better off than agent Erica Jones or Dr. Harley? Because they're both dead. That is what you were going to say, agent Sawyer, isn’t it? ” furious in her hazel eyes, she almost didn't wait for his reply

“No, I-”

“No, Agent Sawyer, I don’t want or need apologies. So, go tell your boss that I do not accept the ISA’s empty words״ turning on her heels, she heard him clearing his throat, as though he was about to speak again. Taking a seat on her chair, she looked at him

“Dr. Evans” he repeated,

“leave me the hell alone.”

“Dr. Evans, please, may I say something? I have a few que-” he tried again

“No, you may not ask me a single thing. Now please leave, Mr. Sawyer, and do not come back here.” standing up, she hit her desk with her right palm, glaring at him with rage. Sawyer turned and left the office as Marlena strode quickly to the door and slammed it behind him.

 

Fatigue was catching up to Marlena. Her lack of sleep the night before had simply been the latest in a stream of nightmares and sleepless nights, and she could feel that it was starting to take a toll. She knew how to get through this, though. She had the house to herself tonight, and she would do what she usually did to rectify situations like these. Just as she sat in her chair, Cynthia appeared in her doorway.

 

"Will you be needing anything else tonight, Dr. Evans?"

 

She sighed. "No, Cynthia. Go home." Marlena knew that if she asked, her assistant would stay for hours, catering to her every whim. She was half-tempted to come up with tasks for Cynthia to do, just to avoid the loneliness that she was feeling. But she wasn't that much of an ogre.

 

Cynthia must have seen something in her gaze, because she stepped closer and asked softly, "Are you all right, Dr. Evans?"

 

That wouldn't do at all. Marlena Evans was not a woman to be pitied. "I'm fine, Cynthia. Go home."

 

Cynthia smiled politely, and said, "Good night, Dr. Evans,"  Marlena did not tolerate the sympathy of others, not right now, right now she just wanted people to stop cuddling her. Marlena Evans didn't need anyone.

 

Marlena took a deep breath, she would never act this way, but something inside of her had enough. Walking back to her chair, she suddenly felt a blaze of pain crossing through her stomach and lower back. She was pretty much doubled over, clutching the armchair on her way. “It’s too early…” Her voice broke in pain. Her pulse raced. “No...this is not happening…”