Chapter 16

“Hey, Blondie, I asked you a question” his voice was snarky, he kept looking at her now covered back while adjusting his pants and shirt, “who did that to you?”

“I heard you loud and clear” she gritted her teeth, her answer filled with annoyance and distress. Turning to face him she was all dressed up, looking beautiful as always, her fingers brushed through her hair, fixing it to the sides of her face.

“It’s nothing, really. Let’s just go home” her gaze fell down in search of her purse when he grabbed her by the elbow and spun her around, “nothing? You have a freakin’ letter carved into your flesh and all you can tell me that it’s nothing? C’mon lady, I might not know you, but I do know that you’re full of shit.”

Hating the way his mood changed and the way he was talking to her she glared at him with the intensity of a hawk. Not wanting to argue anymore tonight she exhaled sharply, “take me home John, now.”

******

“Don’t . . . Kit...No. No, don’t. . . . Please.” Marlena’s loud cries had him jackknifing up in the bed, his heart thudding violently. He fought for breath, glancing wild-eyed at the woman thrashing next to him. She growled like a feral beast, her hands fisted and her legs kicking restlessly. He moved back, afraid she’d strike out at him unknowingly in her dreams.

“Get off me,” she panted.

“Marlena! Wake up.”

“Get. Off !” her hips arched upward with a hiss of pain. She hovered there; teeth gritted, her back bowed as if the bed was on fire beneath her. Then she collapsed, the mattress jolting as she bounced off it.

“Marlena.” he reached for the bedside lamp, his throat burning. He couldn’t reach it, had to throw the tangled blankets off to get closer. Marlena was writhing in agony, thrashing so violently she shook the bed. The room lit up in a sudden flare of illumination. He turned toward her. Fearing for her safety, he shoved her shoulder with both hands.

“Marlena, goddamnit. Wake up!” his scream broke through the nightmare. Her eyes flew open, and she jerked upright, her eyes darting frantically.

“Marlena! It’s just a dream!” John dropped her arms. He saw the recognition in her eyes, and she collapsed onto him, resting her head on his chest, panting.

He was happy that she let him spend the night in her bedroom, but when he heard her gurgling screams, it scared him. Waking her up and snapping her out of it felt impossible and having her in his arms like that, reassured and frighten him both at the same time.

“John?” she gasped, her chest heaving. Her face was flushed, her lips and cheeks red, suddenly understanding her surroundings.

“It was just a dream; you’re okay. You’re okay; you’re okay,” he whispered. The frantic way she breathed almost made it sound like she was about to faint.

“Please cover me.” The words croaked out of her, frail and desperate. He reached around her to grab the blanket. She needed something on her body so that she could have some thin layer of protection against that hurtful thing, its presence still heavy in the room as if it could somehow pass from the unconscious world to this one and hurt her. She snagged the cover and pulled it up to her neck; arms hugged tight around herself.

“Oh god...I can’t breath” she shoved her hands through her hair and slid out of bed, snatching up the black robe she’d throw over the big bed just a few hours ago.

What was in her mind? What could make someone have such fury in their sleep?

His voice shook. “I guess you were having a nightmare... You scared the hell out of me.”

“John-” she inhaled, staring at him from her safe place by the window, tying the sash of her robe around her tiny waist.

“What were you dreaming about?” So many questions filled his mind. He managed to catch her gaze in the dark room. She shook her head, her gaze lowered with a vulnerable posture he didn’t know or recognize in her. It was as if someone else had taken over Marlena’s body.

“I don’t know.”

“Bullshit. Something’s in you; something’s eating at you. What is it?”

Marlena held up a hand for silence, and John instantly stopped talking. "It was just a dream...let’s just drop it." She shook her head, bringing her gaze back to look outside of the window, it was nighttime still, and everything was quiet.

"Really, I’m fine."

Standing up, he paced towards her, putting his hand tentatively on Marlena's shoulder, then yanked it away as she flinched at his touch. "Marlena, when I touched your back tonight at the parking garage, you flinched..and now, you were screaming so loud, the walls shook -."

He paused for a moment and surveyed the woman from behind.

“It was just a dream, John. People have them.” pivoting, she stared at him as if he was irrational. “Oh Please Marlena, don’t give me that.” her shoulders tensed, and she hugged her arms around her body.

“Why are you mad?”

“Because you’re lying.” His chest expanded on a deep breath; then he released it in a rush. “I’m sorry I woke you.” she pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache gathering strength. Her mind pound with the need to tell him, tell him the torment she’d once lived through. The suffering that was still in her mind.

“One more time, Marlena: What were you dreaming about?”

“I told you, I don’t remember... why is it so important to you anyway?” she ran a hand through her hair and left him standing there, sliding her body back on the bed.

"Marlena, something traumatic happened to you. Have you ever even talked about it with anyone? Really talked about it?"

"I told my therapist."

"But did you actually discuss it?" he guessed.

"It's over, John. It's been over for a while now."

"No," he said softly. "It's not. It's still right there in the back of your mind. That's why you have nightmares. That's why you're still afraid. Marlena, a while ago I heard you talking to Laura… you mentioned to her that the nightmares had gotten worse. Why was that? what are they about?"

“Were you eavesdropping to my private conversations?” she flared

“I couldn’t help it. I hear them talking, Marlena, the people around me, and everyone seem to know something, some say you were kidnapped...some talking about you killing some guy...” explaining himself was not an easy task. Not when she glared at him with such fury in her hazel pools.

“What? No...oh, god, please...give it a rest, will you? Everything is under control.” frustrated, she stood to her feet, leaving the bed again, she paced the room.

“Who is Kit?”

“Where did you learn that name?” she startled, her body shivered

“You were screaming it just now. Is that the man you killed?” there was a moment of silence in the room, she put her palms to her face, caressing her heated cheeks, “John” her voice was low, “please..drop it...I really don’t feel like talking to you about it, okay?... and as I said, everything is under control.”

She was standing there, looking out of the window again, this time she was shaking all over. He held his position on the bed. “Nope, you’re definitely not in control. From what they’re saying, Blondie, you killed a man. Marlena, if that is true, then the guy is fucking dead, and yet he’s still this big heavyweight you drag around with you, like some maggot-infested corpse you just can’t seem to find a place to bury. I mean, for god’s sake, the guy is still in your dreams.” , angry at her loss grip of reality, he finally stood up, making his way to stand in front of her, not letting her hide anymore.

”You’re nothing but it control, princess!”

Her hand flew out between them and slapped his cheek before he even knew what she was doing. He shocked, but didn’t move.

“Don’t you ever talk about him again.”

“It’s all an illusion, Marlena” His expression remained, strange and annoyed in the dim moonlight, “like this bullshit with me. Isn’t this just another fucked up attempt to feel in control of yourself? Huh, Blondie? I don’t remember you. The only reason I like you is because I can fuck you whenever I want to...”  he gritted his teeth, needed to shake her, to make her scream, yell, he wanted to learn the truth, and he knew that by saying that, he might will.

“You bastard.”

She slapped him again, but this time he knew it was coming. Catching her wrist in mid-air, he spun her around, her back to his chest, her hair disheveled.

Her heartbeat slammed in her temples. The hot pulsing was all over, even in her neck and on her face, and the shadowy room had taken on a red tint.

“Don’t flatter yourself, John.” she gasped, trying to free herself from his stronghold on her arms and upper body. “You don’t really have me, you never will, not like this... You’re not in control here, not one little bit.” She jutted her chin out now, waiting for his response, he turned her, shoving her by the shoulders and sent her tumbling on the bed. She scrambled back up on the bed and pushed him back, hard, but he grabbed her arms and pushed her with him, and they crashed together into mattress beneath her.

Their arms were tangled now, each of them trying to gain control of the other. She managed to lift herself from the flat surface when he dove at her and shoved her back down on the bed, straddling her as he pinned her arms over her head. Her nightgown had hiked up around her hips, but she was too overcome with anger to care. Marlena fought and bucked underneath him, making him work hard to keep her down.

“You don’t have control,” he spat. “No one does. Control is an illusion. Terrible things happen with no reason at all. Terrible, ugly, fucked-up things and there is no power, no control. There’s just the big, mean universe scraping out your insides and tossing them in the trash, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it, blondie.”

“stop it,” Her voice broke on the words and the rest of the sentence stumbled out funny. She was as tense as a penned bull beneath him. Her rage still pulsed at her temples, but a little of the red went out of the room.

“Marlena…”

she scrunched her eyes shut, but not before one small tear escaped.

“Marlena,” he said her name gently but squeezed her wrists hard in warning. “I’m going to fuck you now...you’re not in control, get it through your head” his words ached her body and her mind. Writhing beneath his hard body, she tried to free herself; he was too strong.  

“John..” he still had her pinned. He let go of her wrists and dragged his fingers up her forearms toward her shoulders, making her shiver and exhale with crazy spasms. His hands paused at her neck, and then he dug them deep into her hair. She gasped and lifted her head, violently, as he’d already hurt her, but he took a deep breath and yanked her hair hard, pulling her head back, so the white arch of her throat stretched out, unprotected and vulnerable.

That had to hurt.

Her face contorted like she was in pain, but the sign that escaped her told him something different. She liked this. He realized that he could unleash his fury on her and that she would enjoy it. He kept her hair tight in his fists, found her earlobe with his mouth and bit down, first lightly, then with increasing pressure until she kicked her legs against the pain. He moved his mouth and did the same to her neck, sucking hard enough to make sure he would leave marks on her. Her body spasmed and contorted.

He pulled his hands out of her hair and yanked the top of her gown down around her waist, baring her breasts, and he peeled off his own clothes too—he wanted her to feel every bit of what she did to him. He’d never felt so powerful in his life, being the cause of those soft, echoed gasps in that noiseless room.

She was his. Of that he was certain.

She whimpered as he moved back and forth on her, rubbing his already hard rock cock against her inner hip. He hovered over her, keeping his mouth very near hers, not kissing, but sharing the same sweet air. Remnants of the shot they’d done together still lingered on her breath. He slid his body down hers, bit his way down her neck and chest until his mouth fell on her breasts. Little moans escaped her now, and tremors wracked her body. He knew she was waiting to see what he’d do next.

“Turn over,” he said, not really waiting for her agreement, he flipping her over, pulling down her nightgown. “Fuck, Marlena, you’re so hot.” his skin lit up at the sight of her creamy skin, at the knowledge that she was exposed to him like that made him wild with desire, she was so alluring, he wanted to bury himself inside her and never leave. She was lying on her stomach facing away from him.

Jesus.

When he saw that K on her back again, it fueled his fury, the unknowing drove him mad.

He grabbed a handful of her hair with one hand, yanking upward, so she was forced to lift onto all fours. Holding her tightly, he slid his other hand between her legs from behind and toyed with her until she started whimpering and heating up, but he pulled out when he could tell she was about to come. He bent and scraped his teeth over the roundness of her ass, then bit down.

This time she yelped like he’d really hurt her. Forcefully, he smashed her onto her stomach holding her down,  he laid over her again, grinding against her sweet round ass that he loved so much, kissing her nape, but this wasn’t like ordinary kissing—it was like drinking, like thirsty lapping. One hand moved down her back until he clasped her naked hip, digging his nails into her to pull himself closer.

"That’s it, baby…feel me...”

She moaned in pleasure; he was seconds away from invading her body.

“You're mine now, princess."

With a start, her eye flew open. His words shuttered her to her very core and reality kicked back in. He spread her legs wide, about to dive himself deep inside her.

Her eyes widened with a jolt of absolute turmoil. A heavyweight crushed her and a harsh voice spit ugly, nasty words into her ear. Panic gripped her, cutting off her air.

Not again.

“No . . . Please, no . . “. Kit’s hand covered her mouth, and he yanked her legs apart. She felt his hard cock between her legs poking blindly, trying to push into her body. Her scream was muffled by his palm, smashing over her lips, and she cringed away, her heart pounding so hard she thought it would burst. Kit was so heavy. So heavy and strong. She couldn’t buck him off. She couldn’t shove him away.

“Stop it! Get off me. Don’t touch me. Oh, God . . . Please don’t do that to me . . . not again . .” She screamed, but Kit’s hand covered her mouth. It pressed down on her, squashing her head into the pillow. The more she fought, the more excited he became. Panting, he rammed against her, Shoving himself inside her over and over . . .

"You're mine now, princess." a voice hissed in her ear.

She froze. She knew that voice. She knew it wasn’t Kit’s.

No. this was not a dream.

It was a nightmare.

God. No!

Blinking madly in the darkness, she struggled to see. The blood was roaring through her ears. She couldn’t hear. But She knew the smell of his skin. Knew his touch, even when it wasn’t really him right now. Knew the feel of his body on hers, even as it tried to invade her. John’s erection battered into the crease of her thigh. Panicked, she heaved upward with all her strength. His hand on her nape dislodged.

He could feel her body taut beneath his. She inhaled sharply, the breath leaving her lungs in the form of words.

"No more."

"What's that?" he asked. "I didn't hear you."

"No more," she said, pushing against his chest. "I… I can't take any—" Her breath hitched. "Anymore." The word was strangled as she tried to breath straight. She clung to him, a tear leaking from the corner of her eye.

He didn’t stop. She knew he wouldn't. She started fighting, hitting him again, biting whatever she could reach, and drawing more blood as he restrained her.

"Say it," he told her again, knowing he'd found her limit, the place where she drew the line. "Tell me you’re not in control." All he wanted was for her to admit defeat. For her to break out of this rut. She stared into his eyes, breathless, as he pinned her to the bed, her wrists clasped in his hands. Her lip quivered. He had to fight the urge to nibble on it. After a second she exhaled sharply, and he closed his eyes in anticipation.

“Stop,” she moaned, breaking away from him, she watched the want in his bright eyes.

No really understanding her distressful please, he didn’t stop, pushing his hands back up her arms, pinning her back to the bed, pressing harder, rougher, until her skin caught and twisted under his palm like a burn. He lightly bit down her back, leaving bright pink trails. Her legs kicked and writhed beneath him, her breathing now gasping and erratic.

“Please.”

Flipping her over he barked at her, “Stop fighting this, Marlena...”

He took one of her nipples in his mouth, sucking hard, and then held it between his teeth until she almost cried. When he finally released her nipple from between his teeth, she broke out in goosebumps all over her chest and arms.

Sucking air into her lungs, she screamed, as loud as she could at that moment, “NO!, JOHN!, STOP!…PLEASE!!” A loud cry filled the room.

Releasing her arms, he suddenly stopped, quickly moving away from her body, leaving her panting on the bed. A surprise wave of heat radiated through him when he saw the horrified look in her eyes.  She was trembling all over; he has gone too far.

"get off of me.." her eyes shut, hard

“Marlena, Are you okay?” he asked, and he turned on the other bedside light, cursing when he saw her curled in a fetal position, rocking violently.

“Marlena..” his voice was quiet, not to scare her, “I’m sorry...what happened to you?…”  he wasn’t sure what to say. He had never taken her like that before. She was always a willing participant, it was always a part of a game they played, but tonight was different. He pushed her beyond her limits, something was lurking in her past, in her dreams and he needed to understand it.

Understand Her.

She sat on the bed, her trembling hands covering her body with her nightgown, there was a hollow look in her eyes, a look she couldn’t control.

She slid off the bed, he was right behind her, standing on shaky legs, sick with lingering fear. Her knees gave out, and John caught her, lowering to the floor with her and holding her as she cried, hysterically now. She began sobbing. Each cry wretched from her body broke him a little more, like a lash to his back. He pulled her into his chest, blocking out everything but what was inside her. She needed a safe place to fall apart, and he would be that for her, he thought. She clung to him, sometimes digging her nails into his side, but he didn’t whisper a single complaint.

She was out of control, this was now her life, and she hated it. Lifting her eyes, she finally got a glimpse of his expression. He looked like a frightened deer, as though it was the first time he has seen someone crying.

“Please..” he muttered in the darkness, “baby, I’m sorry...please, would you tell me about it? What happened? Who is this man in your nightmares?”

He wasn't ready to let it go. He needed to know. Knowing made him feel in control, even if it was just an illusion, he’d like that.

John released her only long enough to scoop her up and carry her over to the bed.  He bundled her up, then had her sit on the edge of the bed while he went around and pulled the covers on her body. Leaning in front of her, he stroked his hand over her wet cheeks, handing her a glass of water, which she didn’t take.

Numbed. She stared at him in the darkness, all she really wanted to say was the truth. How her nightmares had gotten worst ever since he woke up from his coma, ever since she started hearing the vile pet names from his mouth, the names Kit used to call her by. As if everytime that she heard it, it was like a bite to her neck, smack on her behind. No, she couldn't tell him that, so she kept silence.

“He raped you.”

It wasn’t a question, and she knew John had said it so that she wouldn’t have to.

She nodded, barely perceptibly. An inch of forwarding motion with her head. It was such a hard word to come to terms with because of all she’d allowed men, like Stefano and Kellem to do to her in the past. Hard to defend herself, as women always had to do when they used the rape word.

And hadn’t Kit been right about her? She did like it naughty. Or he made her this way; she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t that she thought she’d deserved what he did.

״John, these memories are too painful, I don’t want to relive them” She wrapped her arms around herself, wondering if John felt the same.

“I don’t want you to relieve them; I want you to deal with them."

Forcing herself to remember, she started. “I was drugged the first time her-raped me...and I-I couldn’t fight him...I was fighting him every time after that… but after a while, you’re growing we-weak...” Although even when she did, It did any good.

“But he was a big guy... And sometimes he had a knife.”

The stem of the water glass snapped in his hand. He moved so swiftly he was a blur, catching the goblet against his thigh before it spilled its contents. She rose to her feet with a stat when he did.

“Did you cut yourself? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he bit out. He went into the bathroom and threw the broken glass away, shattering it further. Her hands shook. She heard cupboards opening and closing. A few minutes later John returned with a tumbler of something darker in his hand.

“Sit down, Marlena.” she stared at him. His frame was rigid, his eyes icy cold. He scrubbed a hand over his face and said more gently, “Sit down . . . please.” Her weakened knees gave out, and she sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the robe tighter around her. John remained standing, taking a large swallow of whatever was in his hand. “You said the first time. How many times were there?” she took conscious breaths, trying to calm herself. “I don’t know. I lost count.”

John cursed under his breath.

“Go on…what did he do, I need to know” he asked

She shut her eyes, letting hot tear to wash over her cheeks, closing her lids tight, tight. Blocking out the images, the memories. Kit abused her too many time while she was under his power, it was hard to address to only one attack.

She put up the wall again. When it was back in place, she opened her eyes, cleared her throat once again, and jumped to the conclusion.

“After I came back home—”

“No.” John was so forceful, so commanding, he left no room for her to do anything but halt. She lifted her eyes to his. “Don’t skip to the end,” he said. “Tell me what he did. Tell me the details.” Her stomach lurched, her worry from earlier confirmed. “I’m not telling you this…    No, John, it’s too horrible—”

He lurched forward to the edge of the bed.

“You think I don’t know that? I want to be the one who killed him, Marlena.  I want to know everything he made you suffer.” forgetting there was nothing he could do about it, his rage stirred and stunned her. It moved her that he would say he’d kill for her, except there was no one to kill.

“John..he’s dead—”

“Tell me.” It was an order. It was the law.

Again, she concentrated on the shadows on the wall. Pretended the details were about someone else, her voice was choked with tears when she started. “He, um, in one of the times...he got into the shower with me ...and h-he.. forced my stomach to the wall.” she tried to swallow past a tight, dry throat and winced at the painful sandpapery burn. When her voice came again, it was barely a whisper.  “He cut the shower curtain with the knife and used it to tie my hands above my...my h-head to the s-shower pole.” she stammered, ”Then he pushed himself in me….I was...I was not ready... It was...pain-painful... Then he put the knife at my t-throat and told me that if I made a sound he’d…he’d….” Marlena covered her eyes with her hand, the tears came, pouring down like last summer’s rain. No matter how much John pressed, she couldn’t say the things that Kit had threatened to do to her, It ended in his death, and that was the best part of it, looking at James’s crib, she continued.

“So I was quiet,” she said finally, summarizing. “After a while, you’re getting really good at obeying...” her motherly instincts to save her unborn baby failed to protect her own body. She obeyed her rapist. She stopped struggling. Maybe deep inside she knew she couldn’t win. She lifted her eyes to John who was now pacing in the dark bedroom. He was probably already thinking it. She might as well say it for him.

“I should have fought more.” He stopped abruptly and spun toward her.

“Do not do that, Marlena. Do not blame yourself.”

“Oh, John-.” Just because he said it in that forceful way of his didn’t mean she could do it. Maybe she wasn’t as good at obeying as she thought she was.

“I mean it, Marlena...” she glanced at him, he looked deep into her eyes her lips quivered, “Tell me about the K on your back baby.”

Shutting her eyes, she shuddered, shattered, he was making her relieve her worst nightmares. But she wasn’t in the mood to argue about it, so she continued instead, looking at him. “He got bored with just that after a while and he moved to…” she had to stop to take a breath, and it shuddered on the intake. “Marking me.” In her head, she was still in cold, clinical mode, but her words were shaky, full of lumps and cracks that hadn’t been there before. “He bent me to the bed, kept saying that...I was...I was..his, I screamed. He said I needed to know my- my place... He used the knife. On me.”

“On your back?” His tone said he knew the answer already. She shook her head yes. John let out a string of obscenities that ended in his foot meeting the white chair and sending it flying across the room.

“Fucking bastard.” His chest was heaving. “He wasn’t just fucked up; he was insane. And he was carving you... Marlena.”

The reaction was foreign to her. It hadn’t been one that she’d experienced from him in the past. Yes, she’d been angry, but never full of rage. Watching John’s outburst, seeing him, feel the fury that had eluded him, was fascinating. It seemed so freeing to see him having emotions other than desires. Her pain had always turned inward. Her anger only destroyed her. John, though, he had the power to hurt others. She’d known that. At this moment, she saw it. In some twisted, fucked-up way, it was inspiring. He began pacing again. He gestured with his hand for her to keep going as he said, “What next? Tell me what happened next.” She pinched at the bridge of her nose.

Hoping they’d hurt less, she hurried through them, letting each syllable tumble out nearly on top of each other. “When he was done, I was always bleeding... bruised..he taunted me, he showed me videos...he taped himself raping me...” Marlena said in a small voice, shivering.

“Marlena”

“He wanted me to watch-”

“Marlena”

“He cuffed my hands, he-” she couldn't stop it, the word diarrhea, she had to spill it all.

“Baby” he pulled her into his embrace, and she fell right in, sobbing uncontrollably

John wrapped her around with a blanket from behind, and placed his hands on her shoulders, uncertainty, hoping she would accept his touch now. He felt her relax slightly, and left his hands there, hoping they would offer some comfort. He wanted Marlena to know that he was there.

Her eyes were haunted, but she needed to let it out. She spoke softly, in a voice that told him she was buried deep in her own thoughts. "When he came to me at first, it was always in the dark. But I remember his eyes. Maybe they caught the moonlight or something. I remember his expression, the first time I stopped pushing him away. There was a look of… triumph, like I was giving him permission. The truth was, I was confused and overwhelmed and didn't know what to do anymore. But in his mind, I had stopped saying no." She shook her head. "I will always regret that," she said sadly.

“You’re carrying a whole lot of regret over something that was not your fault.”

“It’s my fault I let him in my life.” It sounded stupid when she said it out loud. She couldn’t explain what she meant. She chewed her lip trying to figure out what to say or do next. She felt horrible. And she did have regrets—she regretted telling John anything because now he was upset and she was upset. Though, she wasn’t quite sure what it was he was upset with. Kit, yes. She knew that. But then, it seemed he was also ticked off at her, “Are you mad at me now?”

“What?” Before she knew it, he’d pulled her into him. “No, no, no way.” He kissed her hair, wrapping her tighter in his arms. “I’m mad at what that piece of shit did to you, and I’m mad at … I’m mad that you’re blaming yourself, but I’m not mad at you.” He pushed her away, his hands on her shoulders so he could look at her eyes.

“You got that?” she nodded, unable to speak, and he drew her back into his chest. He rocked her like that, both of them not saying anything, rocked her and hushed her even though she wasn’t crying. It was soothing though. For both of them, she thought. So she hugged him closer to her and enjoyed the sweetness of finally being comforted by the one man she needed comfort from, even if he had no memory of her or his past. Eventually, he spoke. “God. I can’t stop thinking about what he did.…”

“I didn’t want to tell you.”, She saw his face, his eyes. Saw the pity and horror. But it was what she didn’t see that hurt the most. It was her greatest nightmare realized. She wanted to see the look of love in his eyes, it wasn’t there, and that’s exactly what she needed right now.

“I wanted you to tell me. You lived it. The least I can do is know.” He took a big breath that lifted her with it. When he exhaled, he stepped away. “It’s cold,” he said, rubbing his hands. “You should get under the covers. I’ll run you a hot shower and I can…” He paused. “I can get you a cup of tea.”

“Okay...but first-”

She tightened the belt on her robe. “I’m going to take a shower and hopefully, go back to sleep. You are going back to the guest bedroom.”

“What?” John glared. “Go where?”

“The guest bedroom,” she said, weary to the bone. “I think you need to digest all of this, alone.” His arms crossed.

“We can do that together.”

“Well, I don’t think we can.” her chin lifted, grief overwhelming her shame and heartrending disappointment. “Not while you’re looking at me like you feel sorry for me.”

“I’m not made of fucking stone, Blondie. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t care.” The emotions he’d run through since earlier tonight coalesced into a searing pain in his chest and a cleansing burst of anger.

“I don’t want your pity, John.” He shoved both hands through his hair. “What the hell do you want, then?”

“You! I want you.”

“You have me. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“No, I mean the real John Black, your words don’t mean shit when you can’t back them up. From the moment we met after you woke up, you’ve been hot for me. You haven’t been able to look at me without making it damn clear you want to fuck my brains out.” her eyes burned.

“I want your love, John. I don't want your pity...” leaving the bed, he jumped right after her, gripping her elbow.

“You can’t be serious.” He stared at her as if she'd grown two heads. “I don’t think you know how you make me feel.”

Marlena didn’t talk, her arms wrapped around herself, covering her breasts with her blanket. She suddenly felt naked in the worst way.

“You are beautiful….”

“John. . .” her voice faded into silence. He was hard-faced and distant, his fists clenched at his sides. He loosened the sash of her robe, and he pulled the whole garment off her. Her breast was still exposed from his earlier assault, and her nightgown hung on her waist.  “Look at me, Marlena. Look into my eyes. I’m the same person who couldn’t get enough of you tonight at the parking garage...I want you, and I need you so much” He broke the drawstring of his pants, pushing them down to expose the length of his erection.

He got closer, breathing her cheek, his palm hovered over her breast when both of them lunged at the same time, colliding. Their mouths slid over each other as he lifted her to wrap her legs around his hips. He stumbled to the bed and fell, catching their combined weight with one outstretched hand. She sprawled beneath him, breathless and sobbing, while he slid to his knees on the floor, spreading her legs, he tongued her center. He was rough and impatient, and she loved that he was. Loved it more when he levered over her and shoved his cock into her. She wasn’t yet fully wet, and the burn made her gasp, and then his thumb was on her clit, rubbing in circles that had her hips churning.

“Yes,” she moaned, raking her nails down his back. He was on fire.

“Fuck me, John. Fuck me hard.”

“Marlena.” His mouth covered hers. He fisted her hair, holding her still as he lunged again and again, pounding hard and deep. He kicked off the pillow with one foot, powering into her, driving toward his orgasm with single-minded ferocity.

“Fuck . . . fuck . . . fuck . . .” The rhythmic slap against the curve of her buttocks and the harshness of his possessive litany drove her insane with lust. She felt herself quickening with every twinge of pain, felt her sex tightening with her growing arousal. With a long, guttural groan he started coming, his flexing body quaking as he emptied himself inside her. She held him as he climaxed, stroking his back, pressing kisses along his shoulder.

“Hold on,” he said roughly, pushing his hands beneath her and flattening her breasts against him. John pulled her up, then sat down with her straddling his hips. She was slick from his orgasm, making it easy for him to push back inside her. His hands brushed the hair away from her face, then wiped her tears of relief. “I’m always hard for you, always hot for you. I’m always half-crazy with wanting you. Understand?” her hands wrapped around his wrists.

“Show me.”

His face was flushed and damp, his eyes dark and turbulent. “Oh god..show me...” she pulled his palms from her face and urged them down to her breasts. When he cupped them, she splayed her hands on his shoulders and rocked her hips. His fingers on her nipples, rolling and tugging, sent waves of pleasure through her, the gentle stimulation arrowing to her core. When he urged her closer and took a hardened tip in his mouth, she cried out, her body igniting with the need for more. Clenching her thighs, he lifted. She closed her eyes to focus on the way he felt as he slid out; then she bit her lip at the way he stretched her sliding back in.

“That’s it,” he murmured, licking across her chest to her other nipple, fluttering his tongue over the tight, aching tip, his thumb worked magic on her throbbing clit, “Come for me.” Rolling her hips, she relished the exquisite feel of him filling her so perfectly.

“John,” she breathed. “Oh, yes . . . oh, please . . .”

“You’re so beautiful.” He gripped the back of her neck in one hand and her waist in the other, arching his hips to push a little deeper. “So sexy. you’re going to come for me now”,

She whimpered as everything tightened, as the sweet tension built from the deep rhythmic strokes. She was panting and frantic, pumping her hips. Still, between her legs, he rubbed her clit with the pads of his fingers, hastening her climax. His words and his voice pushed her over. She cried out when the first hard tremor hit her, then again as the orgasm rippled through her body, her center spasming around John’s steely erection. Teeth grinding audibly, he held on until the clenches began to fade.

​

​

**********

​

​

John approached the door to Dr. Snow's office and knocked; the door opened seconds later. A tall brunette lady looked at him with big brown eyes, “Nice to see you again John, come on in and have a seat wherever is comfortable for you.” Moving away from the door, she walked back into the well-decorated office, he followed her and took his seat on the sofa, stretching his arm out along the back and propped his right foot on his knee.

“You seem relaxed John, that’s a good sign,” she stated as she sat on her armchair, taking the notepad to her lap.

“Well as I see it I have no reason to be concerned. Marlena seems to be comfortable with you, I don’t see it being any different with me.” the confidence in his voice echoed through miles.

“Well John, I do want you to feel comfortable, but I also want you to remember that we are here to talk about you, not Dr. Evans.” Emma looked at John studying him closely. He was handsome and well dressed, but there was an air of arrogance about him. He seemed to be confident, but there was something else there. She wanted to learn more about this man that Marlena seemed to love with her whole heart.

“What do you want to talk about today, John?” she started, leaning back into her comfy seat.

“You have been treating Marlena, Dr. Snow. I’m sure you know why I’m here. I’m sure that I am a big topic of conversation with you and her.”

“John I’m sure that you can appreciate the fact that I can not discuss what goes on in session between Marlena and me. I’m here as your doctor now, and I wish to talk about you and your feelings and concerns. What brings you by today?”

​

A part of her was beginning to understand Marlena’s frustration.

“Marlena, she wants me to ‘work’ on myself. She hopes that by talking to a shrink, It will somehow Miraculously restore my memory. I’m sure she told you all about my being shot and in a coma for months, right? Well when I woke up, I had no memory of my past at all, although, for the life of me, I can’t understand forgetting a woman like her.” his eyes shut when he said the last sentence and goosebumps formed on his skin.

“Are you talking about Marlena?”

Opening his eye he gazed her for a minute, “Of course I’m talking about Marlena, have you been listening? She is the only reason that I’m here at all. Marlena is beautiful, sexy as hell, intelligent and so very hot. I have to keep her in my life. Oh, and did I mention, the sex?....because I’m tellin’ you, doctor, the sex is incre-dible. I may not have a point of reference, but I’m sure it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.” placing his hands behind his head, he leaned into them, taking out a long, proud intake of air. She narrowed her eyes, without even thinking about it, but the way he was talking about her, as though she was a piece of meat, aggravated her. How could he? Considering the trauma she has just gone through, she needed to be loved, cherished, not to be fucked by a fantasy.

​

“John, I think we should slow down here for a moment.” Emma was a bit taken back by his boldness concerning their sex life. “Are you here because you want to remember your past, or are you only coming to see me to appease Marlena?. Because I can tell you now, this will not work unless you want it for yourself.”

Emma could certainly understand him wanting to keep Marlena in his life at any cost; she was a beautiful and intelligent woman. She was also sensitive, caring and she brought the sunshine into any room she graced. Emma shook off the thought of Marlena and tried to focus on John.

​

“I do want to remember, for myself but mostly because I want to keep Marlena in my life. I mean the sex is amazing, I would like to remember if it was always that way, she says it was and that we have some cosmic connection. She says that we are soulmates.” pausing for a second he cleared his voice before continuing, “you know something, her body is so responsive to my touch, her lips are soft and yielding. When I touch her a certain way, she moans, the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard, and her body will rise to meet my hand. Oh, and when she spreads those long sexy legs….”

She couldn't take it anymore, not only it upset her to hear him talking about her that way, but she was starting to get hot and bothered, and she needed to concentrate, “John, I need to stop you right there. We need to keep the vivid details of your lovemaking out of this conversation. I get it; you enjoy the lovemaking very much. What I need to know is what else do you like or love about her? What makes you want to be around her, to spend time in her presence?”

“Haven’t you been listening to me Doctor?” he leaned forward, bracing his elbows to his knees, ”She is one hell of a sexy female, and she knows how to please a man. I consider myself lucky to have her in my bed, and I’m not in mind to lose that. Your job is to help me figure out how not to run her off. What do I need to do to keep her in my life and my bed?”

“John, I think that you are going about this the wrong way. Do you have feelings for Marlena, outside of the sex I mean?”

​

“Yeah, I guess. She is funny at times. Oh, and her laugh is amazing, I can’t help but laugh when she laughs. She is an awesome mother... can’t cook worth a lick but she makes up for that in other ways if you know what I mean.” John raised on eyebrow driving in his point.

“Those are all great qualities in a woman, but how do you feel about her? Do you love her?”

Shrugging his shoulders,  he let out a low chuckle, “Feelings... isn’t that your department? I like her a lot, and I really like the sex. I’m not sure about love; I don’t remember ever feeling love for someone. I do know that I don’t want to be without her. Isn’t that enough? Besides, I think she loves enough for both of us.” passing a hand through his hair he leaned back again.

​

“John I want you to do something for me, I would like for you to go home and spend some time with Marlena one on one.”

“Ohhhh sounds good to me..”

“John, I mean really spend time together. I want you to go to dinner or have a private dinner at home. Maybe watch a movie together or play a card game. Just spend time talking and getting to know each other all over again. Without sex. This is very important. Only then can you find for yourself what else it is about Marlena that you like, that you want in your life. You can not build an entire relationship around sex….” crossing her legs, she fixed her pencil skirt, hoping she managed to get through to him, somehow.

“Why the hell not? It sounds good to me, besides the sex is AMA-ZING! I do believe that I’ve told you that.”

“Yes, John you have, more than once. What I need for you to do is to spend time getting to know Marlena. You have been thrown into this relationship with this ready-made family that you don’t remember. That was not your fault, but you do have to sort out how you feel about all of this.

​

My recommendation is for you to abstain from sex for the next few weeks and work on the relationship as a whole.” why was she saying that? She knew well enough that it was going to be an impossible task for him. Was she jealous? Was she trying to look out for Marlena like lovers do? His raised panting and hands gestures brought her back to the here and now.

“Whoa Doc, don’t go crazy here. Abstain for a few weeks? No, that is not going to work ah-ha. I am willing to do the whole dating and getting to know one another thing, but I can’t make any promises about not having sex with Marlena. No way.” standing up, he couldn't stand still, his feet burning a hole in the carpet

“Let me ask you a question John, and I want you to think about your answer. What do you like or enjoy about being with Marlena when sex is not involved? I’m sure you two don’t spend all your time in the bedroom, and there are a lot of hours to fill when you live together. So, what is it when you two are sitting on the couch talking that makes you feel drawn to her. What makes you want to stay in her presence?”

Emma could see that John was giving that question a lot of thought and gave him the time to gather his thoughts.

​

After a few minutes, John lifted his head and looked her in the eye.

“Well Doctor Snow, I’m not sure that I could put it into words.”

“Well, why not try for me?”

“It’s… it’s just her. Her smile, the way she flicks her hair away from her eyes, the way her hand goes up to cover her eyes when she is embarrassed

She can make you feel like you are the only person in the world and she genuinely cares for you. She is amazing in every way.” John was shocked, did he really just said these things?

“I think you expressed that very well, John. Sounds to me like a man describing the woman he is in love with.” he was describing how she felt too, and it made her sad.

​

“Hmmm, well as I said, I’m not sure that I know what love is, but I do like being with her.”

“That’s good. She needs all the support she can get right now, especially with her new job and how dangerous is it”

“What now?” he tensed in a manner of seconds “what new job?”