Her eyes were dazzled by the sunlight in the bright room. It wasn’t the first time she had been sitting in her office, thoughts, and memories mingling with a mixture of emotions. The passing month after John woke up was hard, she didn't even know how to start dealing with everything that was happening in her life.

The love of her life was awake.

The child that was born was indeed the fruit of their love, but at the end of the day, she was alone again.

Alone.

Yes, she got used to being alone. She was alone for many months, used to sit on the balcony of that awful house, watching the clouds, imagine she could just climb up on one of them and get back to the people whom she loved.

But he was always there.

He always came when he felt like it, mind fucking her with the fact that she was there and she was under his control, and there was nothing she could do or say about it. Sometimes she fought him; he liked it.

She knew that talking about what happened was the best way to cope with the horrors she had been through, but she didn't even know how to do that, to go back in her mind to her horrific past and talk about it when John was at the state that he was.

Her man was laying in that hospital bed, not remembering anything about his life, wondering who she was, and utterly oblivious to what she has been through.

Above all, she knew that to help him, she would have to help herself first.

She has to.

For his sake.

“Marlena..” the soft voice shook her back to reality, moving her eyes from the big window, she saw Emma looking at her, her hands were on her skirt covered knees, “I don't mind sitting here all day long, not talking, just..being... But I think you said you wanted to talk.”

No.

Sitting there looking at the beautiful woman in front of her was not a difficult task, but she wanted to help her fight her demons, more than anything.

 

"There are a lot of things I haven't even told you yet," Marlena said, "you might change your mind," she continued as if she were preparing herself for Emma changing her mind, only she knew better than to question Emma's need to help her.

"I have dreams..nightmares.. sometimes they're about things that didn't happen," Marlena said, remembering her own hideous nightmares, the months she'd spent screaming herself awake, "just take your time honey there's no rush,"

Marlena let out a long sigh, "it was over 6 months ago, we took a trip to Fiji, Dr.Horton, me and.. him...Kit... I didn't really wanna go, for John and I just got engaged, but it was supposed to be the conference of the year, so, I went. When I heard him so upset over the phone that night, my heart came out to him, I really wanted to help him out. He didn't want to talk about it...I should have left it alone, but..no..I had to go after him, I had to talk to him, he was fighting with his mother..apparently, Kit was abused by her as a child" Marlena explained.

 

Emma kept quiet, choosing to let Marlena tell the story at her own pace, but she couldn't help but notice how she flinched at the sound of the guy's name.

"But I went anyway, played the part, asked him about how he was feeling. Kit was so upset, he kept asking me about my own childhood, he wouldn't let it go. For a moment he cornered me to the door...I was nervous..suddenly he got angry, I'm not sure what has gotten him so worked up, but he was furious. I turned away from him, there was an open wine bottle on the table, but then I saw him behind me...through the reflection of the big window.." Marlena said quietly, defending herself with her hands as if she was there again. Emma flinched, she knew in her heart she wasn't going to get away from Kit.

"He put his hand on my mouth and squeezed, shoving a small tablet, a drug against my tongue. I started to kick, I tried to scream, but his hold on me was too hard and painful... I remember It made me feel dizzy and then he said a few things...It's all very foggy...I was shoved to the bathroom floor of the hotel room," Marlena closed her eyes and sighed. She knew how this sounded, and it was only going to get worse. She didn't dare look at Emma as she began to speak again.

"That's the last thing I remember, but he taped it all... He made sure I'd watch the tape later... he played it for me, time and time again, he...he had Stefano's tape too...somehow I attract them..these vile creatures..I-"

"Hey," Emma said softly, she knew all about Stefano, Marlena talked about him at their latest session, right after she came back home from the hospital with baby James. Knowing she couldn't stay silent while Marlena was already blaming herself, "None of what happened was your fault. You did not ask for it, Marlena. You were human, you wanted to help him that night...Marlena, look at me," she commanded gently, waiting until the blonde made eye contact, "you know that, right? It wasn't your fault,"

"I know," Marlena said, but Emma could see the guilt in her eyes.

Marlena had been pushing away so many people that wanted to support her, to have her back, but she felt guilty for asking it, she knew all she wanted was her fiance, John.

"I...I managed to escape, there was this woman, an agent who came to question me. I told her all about his doing, she didn't believe me..until she somehow watched the tape he made..the agent died..she died because she helped me escape...I would live with that notion for the rest of my life.." Marlena had to gather her thoughts, "She saved me, she told me to run, and I did. I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore. I realized it was gonna look bad when he spotted me at an abandoned gas station. He was mad...I was able to call John to tell him Kit was after me, but he kept getting closer and closer, I knew it was just gonna be a mess," Marlena carried on telling the story, knowing that if she stopped for too long, she'd lose her nerve. She had to finish it now.

"I should have just left, but I stayed, I wanted to tell John where I was, but he just...Kit shot me..." Marlena sighed, "he picked me up and just threw me into the back seat of a stolen car." she stopped for a minute, taking a few breaths.

 

"I woke up there in that... it was the same room..he knew about what happened to me there by Stefano, he stole the tape from Roman's house months ago. He kept touching me-" Marlena paused, sucking in a shaky breath and she looked at the woman who sat next to her. She saw the empathy in her brown eyes and not a single ounce of judgment. Emma laid her hand gently on top of Marlena's hand.

"I realized that I had to do something to make him stop, I had to do whatever I could to not let him touch me... I was trying to talk, talking about his life, about his past, I panicked, and I asked about his mother again, that was a mistake, and then his whole demeanor just changed. He was angry, said I belonged to him,"Marlena bowed her head, and she pulled her hand out of Emma's and wrapped her arms around herself, "I struggled, but he had a hundred pounds over me, at least. He was pinning me down with his weight, and he kept saying how it could be worse, my hip was bleeding...the wound clung to the white sheets, and it hurt so bad."

"Marlena..."

"When I came back to Salem, the doctor at the hospital commented on how uninjured I was, for 'someone who said they'd been raped.' The doctor said that it could have been worse. He didn't beat me Emma, but he did mark me..carved my skin...I couldn't fight him, not really, he was too strong...he owned me,"

"Marlena, you know that Women react differently to trauma, it's like firing a gun, you can train and prepare for it, but when that moment comes, it's always different, sometimes you hesitate, sometimes you don't. You can't beat yourself up about how you reacted in an impossible situation, that's not fair," Emma explained. She'd heard so many women, and men have this struggle with themselves, and she knew that however much someone said not to, it was impossible not to analyze your reaction.

Marlena knew it all, she'd been there before, with Kellem, Stefano and of course, with the memories of her patients.

Emma bit her lip. She was disgusted at the ISA treatment of Marlena, but she knew that getting angry now wouldn't achieve anything. What Marlena needed was someone to listen, to comfort her.

"They found evidence of rough sex, of forced intercourse, of wounds..on...on my hip..on my-my back," Marlena said, and she shook her head.

"That must have been horrible, Marlena... "

"I shouldn't have gone to that conference...I should have stayed right here...it is all my fault this happened to me..."

"Marlena-"

"If it weren't for my decision to follow Kit, John would be well right now."

Marlena tried to explain, and Emma looped her arms around Marlena's tense shoulders in an attempt to bring her some comfort, to make her stop those accusations against herself.

"Don't," Marlena protested, twisting out of Emma's half-embrace and stood up. She went over to the window and leaned her forehead against the cool glass, "don't try and explain that away." she heard Emma's voice behind her, "He knew exactly what he was doing, he made sure there was no doubt in your mind."

Marlena didn't respond. So, Emma Kept on talking, "Rape is still rape, you said no, he still went ahead. That's rape Marlena, you know it, and I know it, and you know it's not your fault," Emma said desperately and she was even more confused when Marlena shook her head.

 

"He was rough, he did hurt me...and I let him...I should have fought him more.." the blonde sighed and looked out over the bright morning, "he always used to bear his face between my legs..'to get me ready". I was so frightened, Emma...at one point I didn't even realize what was happening until it happened," Marlena forced back a sob at the memory and brought her finger up to trace her trembling lips, desperately trying to stop herself from completely breaking down.

"You had an orgasm," Emma said sadly, realizing what Marlena meant. This was one of the hardest things she'd seen rape victims have to deal with, that explained the blonde's bone-deep guilt over the incident.

"I didn't want to... I had no control over my body... he drugged my drink, and he was laughing at me, telling me that he knew I wanted it, that was his proof. I've never felt more disgusting in my life," Marlena admitted, sniffling. She was about to lose her battle with the tears she was currently holding back.

 

"That's an involuntary bodily response, that does not mean you wanted it, in any way,"

"I read the literature," Marlena sniped, "it didn't stop me feeling how I feel. Even though I know I said no, that I struggled, a part of me still wondered if he was right, I've never stopped doubting myself, I can't believe I let this happen again," Marlena admitted, and she crumbled at the words that came out of her mouth. An anguished sob tore from her throat, and she curled her hands into fists against the glass. She was shaking from the effort of holding back her tears.

 

Emma knew she couldn't just leave the distressed woman standing there, but every other time she'd offered comfort, Marlena had shrugged it off. Whether she was afraid of breaking down or if the blonde thought she didn't deserve it, Emma wasn't sure, but right now she had nothing else to offer. Emma knew words alone would be futile, empty.

Moving slowly, the brunette got up from the couch and walked over to where Marlena was standing.

"Marlena," she called softly, but the blonde didn't turn around. Tentatively she put her hand on Marlena's shoulder. She felt the woman tense under her touch, but she didn't pull away. Slowly, Emma moved her hand, looping her fingers around Marlena's forearms, not too tightly, aware of her fears. Emma rested her chin lightly on Marlena's shoulder and whispered in her ear when she felt the blonde begin to pull away from her embrace.

"Please don't fight me, just relax, you're okay honey, he's gone.." Emma soothed. She could see Marlena's unsure and anguished expression in the window. She was trying so hard to hold it together.

"I wish that I could, but I can't change what happened, or how you're feeling, but I want you to know that I believe in you, and you are not to blame for any of this," The brown eye lady said sincerely.

 

(Breathe me- Sia- https://youtu.be/SFGvmrJ5rjM )

 

Marlena brought her fists down from the window, and for a moment Emma thought she was going to struggle, but instead, the blond placed her palms over Emma's hands, making her tighten her grip just a little. Emma could feel some of the tension leaving Marlena's body as she began to cry, and saw the tears rolling down the blonde's cheeks, her heart broke a little bit more.

"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere," Emma whispered, as she held the crying woman, "I'm right here."

Marlena nodded, “Thank you...I know..but, my god….I need him...I miss John so much...I mean, he’s there..but not really...I see his face and I want to tell him, I want to tell him all about what happened...it’s torture going through this alone” her voice broke as silent tears

left her beautiful eyes, she was trying to be brave, to not really cry.

 

Emma closed her eyes, she caught a scent of Marlena’s perfume, she smelled like summer, and her mind didn't want to go there, not here, not right now, but she couldn't help it. Marlena stood at her office, so close to her..it triggered parts of her she thought were dead when she and Christina broke up last summer. But that smell..that woman...she was divine...and the mind has a way of playing tricks when you least expect it...

 

“I’m just so alone you know...I mean...I have my friends and my beautiful children.. but...I don't have him...it’s driving me crazy...I miss him...I miss his...hands and his...lips...I miss being touched..being loved…” tears fell from the corner of her hazel eyes. Marlena turned to face her, and Emma offered her a comforting look. Even when she cried, she was the most beautiful woman she has ever seen.

“Marlena.,” she spoke softly, and Marlena lifted her watery eyes to look at her Doctor.

“you are loved….”

 

She burst into tears.

The gaze between them right then was almost fierce. They stood there at her big sunlit office. Marlena brushed the tears off her cheeks.

Emma looked over at her, and their eyes met, her beautiful, tearful hazel orbs bore holes into her soul, her eyes filled with questions but there was something else there. There was lust, or so she thought. “You are so beautiful..”  she whispered, caressing her wet cheek with her fingers. Marlena's breath quickened; what was going on? She was too sad and too numb even to try to understand it. Emma’s pupils dilated, it could have been pure excitement or arousal, but all Marlena was feeling, was lost – or maybe she just wanted to feel less alone, in a way.

 

Emma wanted her. She truly did.

“and you are wanted…” She moved her hand out, tangled it in that golden, beautiful, loose hair. Marlena’s plump lips parted, and Emma couldn't stop staring at them. She watched them move when she spoke, telling her about all the horror she has been through. She wanted to kiss her, to make her moan in pleasure, and just like that, she pulled Marlena’s mouth to hers, kissing her slowly and hungrily, trying to catch Marlena’s tongue with hers, moving them to sit back on the couch.

 

It completely caught her off guard. It was different, but not at all. She’d done this before; not with a woman, but the act of exploring another person, awareness honed to their reactions – every sigh or gasp or quiver of the skin, telling her how to uniquely bring pleasure, and how to accept pleasure in return. Marlena’s body was beautiful; every inch a mystery to uncover and understand, and a soft, silky, yielding landscape to traverse slowly with curious fingers and lips. There were no impatience or rush to completion – just long and luxurious moments, hours of experiences.

 

Emma caressed Marlena's neck, moving to her collarbone, slowly descending down, unbuttoning her pink blouse and pushing it open, letting her hands roam her soft skin, before guiding the sleeves off of her shoulders, breaking the kiss. Marlena wanted to say something, but then she felt her feathery touch on the swallow of her breasts.

 

The small gasp Marlena made when Emma's long fingers touched her just above her breast, made her smile. They were perfect, just like she imagined. She carefully guided Marlena to lay on the couch, where she was sitting beside her, kissing her creamy neck, "May I?" she asked softly, playing with the lacy strap of Marlena's white bra. Hesitating, she nodded, her eyes wide open, tracking every move Emma made, holding her breath as she quickly undid the clasps, pulling it off of her gently, before slowly moving a hand to cup Marlena's right breast.

"Breathe Baby," Emma smiled when she watched her almost gasp for air, kissing her jaw as Marlena closed her eyes. She couldn’t remember when she was last touched with such tenderness. The last time she was touched it was by him. By that monster that took her life away from her, John and her soul.

 

It wasn’t perfect; Emma didn’t have magical or immediate knowledge of Marlena's body. They urged each other with guiding hands and breathy vocalizations, learning her most sensitive places, the proper speed, and pressure needed at different stages of her arousal.

 

"Emma I..." Marlena murmured as she laid there, looking at Emma straight into her big brown eyes.

“It’s ok...I know..do you want me to stop, Marlena?” she whispered, softly and straddled one of her legs, leaning down to kiss the gorgeous blond as her hands explored Marlena's stomach and chest.

"No..", her lips moved, although no voice came out. Emma couldn't get over it, how beautiful she was, so fragile but yet so strong, again, her hands moved downwards, undoing the button of Marlena's pants and waiting. She needed a beat of indication, something to tell her if Marlena was feeling uncomfortable. Nothing. Emma pulled them down her long legs, not being able to stop herself from looking down at Marlena, as she threw the pants off the couch, straddling her hips and returning to kissing her, slowly moving her body against hers. After a moment, she let a hand wander down Marlena's stomach and over her panties, slowly stroking her, deepening the kiss, "Emma," Marlena gasped after a moment, not sounding anything like the content noise she was making a couple minutes ago, and her expression was worried.

"Tell me what you need," Emma said as she stopped and brought her hand back towards Marlena's face, running it down her cheek.

"Is there a way to do this without you being this... I mean, I feel trapped," Marlena said, trying to figure out how to describe the dread that filled her stomach, feeling like she couldn't move underneath her.

Emma smiled as she carefully climbed off of her, thinking for a moment how to still hold her, she wrapped one arm under her shoulders and laid on her side next to her, "Are you ok?" she asked softly as she gently kissed Marlena's lips.

She nodded.

"Your lips ...are so soft" she whispered as her tongue circled the outer edge of her ear. Marlena simply moaned.

 

Emma let her hand wander back down, her middle finger stroking the length of Marlena's slit, before letting her hand dip beneath, smiling as Marlena groaned, "Can I take these off, Baby?" whispering as she watched Marlena nod, she smiled and hooked her thumbs into Marlena’s panties – the last barrier between them. Slowly, Emma eased them down her legs, her fingers like dark paint brushed against the pale flesh of Marlena’s thighs. She grazed her fingernails along Marlena’s skin, over her hip bones and slowly towards her perfectly shaved center.

Kissing her deeply as she let her fingers dance across Marlena's outer folds, her finger dipping in and sliding upward until she came to Marlena's clit, slowly she started to circle it as she broke the kiss, watching Marlena intently.

 

Marlena moaned softly, god, she never knew it could feel like this. With her eyes shut she could almost believe these were John's hands that were touching her. She gasped when Emma leaned down and attached her hot mouth to her nipple, gently suckling and biting as her fingers worked faster. Marlena could feel the room spin.

Emma grinned as she heard Marlena moaning, feeling her hips starting to move slightly. Slowly, she moved back down with her fingers, stroking Marlena's entrance, as she started to enter her, Marlena's legs snapped shut, causing Emma to pull her hand away, pulling Marlena close to her with the arm that was under her, "I'm sorry..." Emma whispered as she kissed Marlena's temple, "Bad memories?" she asked as she stroked her hair with her free hand.

"Bad memories," Marlena murmured, pushing back a little, letting her face rest against the pillows as her breathing started to become normal again.

"Do you want me to stop?" Emma asked.

Looking up at her, she shook her head.

"Try to relax," Emma smiled as she let her hand travel back down, gently circling Marlena's clit before flicking it with the tip of her finger, "Does that feel good?" Emma asked, chuckling when she saw Marlena's head arching to the back and moaning softly. Dipping her head, Emma suckled on Marlena's nipple, bringing it to hardness as she worked her fingers faster and with more pressure, making her wiggle in her arms.

Marlena's wiggling pressed against Emma's clit and she couldn't help but bite her lip, feeling herself start to build quickly from the pressure. She couldn't help it. Not with this beautiful woman that was naked next to her.

"Baby, breathe, just let go," Emma murmured as she brought her lips back to Marlena's jaw, trailing open mouth kisses towards her ear, "let go, It's ok..." she whispered in her ear,

”I can’t..”  

Her cry made her heart go out for her. She knew, she knew it all, she knew what she has been through, she knew the lonely nights, the horror, pain. All she ever wanted to do from the very first time she laid eyes on her, was to make her happy. And she could feel her frustration. She was holding back.

 

Emma moved back up; leaned down to kiss Marlena’s lips, deep and slow. And then she began to move downward.

Marlena gasped as Emma’s lips brushed the tops of her breasts. “I have to tell you something, Marlena.”

 

“Mmm?” she muttered as Emma’s hands framed her pale breasts as she kissed them.

 

“All I wanna do..is make you whole again”  her talented lips pulled at her nipples and tongue fluttering against them.

 

“I...but I’m..” Marlena tried to speak. She wanted to say that this wasn't planned, that she loves John, that it’ll always be John. But the other woman’s nose nuzzling the bottoms of her breasts, left her panting, her mouth tickling at her ribs with a disturbing and arousing touch.

 

Emma’s lips paused against the skin of Marlena’s belly, her eyes flicking upward. “Do you want me to stop?” she asked again.

 

“No,” Marlena moaned, her consent satisfying Emma enough to immediately continue her journey, tongue swirling lazily over Marlena’s hipbone.

“I just wanted to… oh.” Emma was blowing a hot breath of air across her center, her clit both delightfully and distressingly trigger-happy, and it was clear that there was no way she was going to be able to verbalize what was shorting out in her mind – even if she wanted to.

 

Things like how she didn’t do this with people she didn’t care about in some sort of true and profound way. How she loves John and will always want to make love only to him, she felt guilty for letting this happen, but she needed to feel loved, she needed to feel safe again – It had nothing to do with her morals, and everything to do with the person she was at the moment- She was broken.

 

All she wanted was some small indication that this was also meant nothing for Emma.

 

But then Emma’s mouth was on the most private and sensitive part of her. And then, her focus shrunk until there was only one damn thing she wanted in the universe.

 

Emma took a long, slow lick from bottom to top. Then another. Then another. And then she paused and released a contented sigh.

 

“Baby,” she murmured. “You taste so good.” And then her tongue was back in motion, and Marlena’s head slammed back against the pillow.

 

Emma was amazed at how wet the blond beauty in front of her was, she began to buck against her face, so she swirled her tongue around her clit, and massaged it in a circular motion with her tongue. Marlena moaned deeply and gripped the pillow behind her head tighter, which Emma loved seeing. Without even understanding it,  Marlena’s legs opened further, taking it as a sign, Emma slid her tongue back up to her clit and brought it into her mouth. She sucked on it and rolled it around with her talented tongue, she was so sweet, just like she imagined time and time again.

“Em...Emma I…”,  Marlena's back arched, and she knew she was getting close. She missed this, she missed being loved, she missed the tenderness and her body craved him, it craved him so much to the point of imagining that this was his lips and his tongue but, no. It was softer, more gentle. Still, she yearned...

Maybe it was the term of endearment, so completely unexpected. Maybe it was the way Emma’s tongue rolled over Marlena’s clit or the way her hands seemed to be everywhere at once –   fluttering over her inner thighs, pinching at her nipples – or maybe it was the anticipation, months of feeling so helpless and so alone to this very moment. Whatever the reason, the pure sexual sensation hit her like an earthquake; impossibly moving, shattering, reducing her to a helpless and moaning creature who could only fist the fabric in her hands and whimper in mindless pleasure. Her breathing was getting shorter, and every breath was either a gasp or mixed with a soft moan. Emma wanted her to cum for her so bad, she took her clit in between her lips and sucked it, her tongue twirling around it, relentlessly.

 

Marlena gasped in each breath, “yes...let go baby” she could hear Emma’s soft voice guiding her beyond the edge, and her moans got longer and deeper as she bucked once more against her face and then shuddered.

Her muscles twitched, and she let out another long moan. She wanted to call out John’s name, but she bit her lower lip. Emma thought she would cum herself just hearing her cry in ecstasy.

“Oh..Emma….Emma…” her voice was so melodious and sweet.

 

“Emma...Emma, can you hear me?”

Emma snapped her eyes open.

Marlena’s voice broke the spell, and she shook her head to realize she was still standing at her office. Marlena looked at her. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she wasn’t crying anymore, “Emma, are you alright? I called your name a few times. I was talking about John and all of a sudden you spaced out, it was as if your mind was caught up in a daydream.”

 

It was still morning, mid-day actually, and the beautiful woman was at her office still, just being there, nothing more, nothing less. She was so embarrassed, and she needed to hide her emotions, and quick, “I’m sorry, Marlena...I was just thinking of all that you have told me today...I was trying to process that...I guess I got caught up deep in my thoughts.”

She was ashamed her mind went there, but now, she was also too hot to think of anything else. She felt so wrong fantasizing about her like that, but she couldn't help it.

Marlena was perfect.

“I need to process that myself,” Marlena said, walking back toward the couch and picking up her purse, “I’d see you next week?” she asked, trying to smile. Today was one of the most challenging sessions yet, and she felt so drained and alone.

Emma nodded “of course” and watched as the beauty opened the door and left her office.

​

 

******

 

“Sawyer, it’s good to see you again, come on in” Marlena held the tiny baby in her arms, he was wide awake and stared at the blonde man at the doorway. The man smiled and walked into the lit up the apartment, closing the door behind him. She was glowing, last time he has seen her, she was at Cooper's office over two weeks ago. He wanted to talk to her in private, to see if she came to a decision.

“What brings you by?” she swaddled the baby in her arms and sat on the sofa, the tiny bundle was reaching for her breast, and she fed him with love. While the baby latched, the agent sat in front of her, studying her face, there was something calmer about her, maybe it was the baby, perhaps it was because John was awake, or, or it was something else.

“How’s John? Roman told me he was making a little progress last time we talked.”

He didn’t answer her question, and he knew it, talking about the conversation she and Cooper had a while ago would have to wait a few more minutes.

“Oh yes, he is making progress physically, he gained most of his muscle weight. But...mentally-” her gaze lowered to her son who was starting to fall asleep on her breast.

“He still has no memory of his past” he finished her sentence, and she nodded, lifting her eyes to look at his, “nothing. He doesn't remember me, his family, his past...nothing..all he wants to do is to come back home..which he will, tomorrow.”

“Oh, that’s great, I know how much you missed him” Sawyer smiled, a genuine smile, but she didn’t grin back, there was some sadness in her eyes still, “I did...I do...I will never give up on him, I'll do whatever I can to help him get his memory back” she was determined, and even Brad Sawyer knew that she meant it.

 

Shaking her head, she tried to lighten up the conversation, “so, what brings you by?” asking again, hoping that this time he would answer her question, in a way, she already had a pretty good idea what was he doing there.

“I wanted to check up on you and your status regarding Cooper’s offer.”

“Sawyer, I just gave birth to my son, my fiance woke up from a long coma, could I please just-”

“Wait” his word cut her off. She blew out a long breath and looked at him, hoping he would try to understand.

“I need to say something, and after that, if you still decide not to accept our offer, I would leave it alone and never bother you again. “ Waiting for her reply, he glanced at her and at the sleeping baby in her arms, she wrapped him in his big comfy blanket and stood up, placing the baby inside the white bassinet.

“Ok” Marlena spoke while turning to face him, “I’m listening.”

“So, I know Cooper has told you all about the role, yes, we want you as an agent. Yes, we are aware of your day job as a psychiatrist, and we don't want you giving up on that.”

“Don't worry, I don't plan too” her reply was quick

“Which is good, because that’s part of the reason we need you on our team, you see, You won't be just an ordinary ISA agent, you’ll be filling in Erica’s position, you didn't know that, but she was our psychiatrist, so, she did a lot of field work alongside evaluating agents and suspects”

Marlena’s eyes widened with interest, Cooper never mentioned any of this, and she was wondering why “go on” she needed to learn more about this role before accepting his proposal.

 

No, joining the same organization that brought Kit into her life, was not something she’d do lightly, but this was John’s side job too for many years, she used to help him from time to time and was actually very good at what she did.

“You’ll be partner up with me, so you know that I’ve got your back” he smiled, and she wrapped her arms around herself “Oh, I think that I’ve got your back” she laughed, and that was the first time he has heard her laughing, it made him smile.

 

“Oh really? Ok, ok, I’ll take you up on that” he giggled back but stopped when her smile faded, “but what about John? He’s an agent too.”

“Was an agent. John won't be reinstated now that he’s suffering from a memory loss. We’ll cross the bridge when we get there” He was hoping his answers were doing the trick, but she seemed to have more questions. Questions about her children, and her time with them which he promised her that they won't be too long at any given time.

Pulling out the folded contract from his back pocket he placed it on the coffee table in front of her.

“I need to read this,” she said quietly before diving back to the couch.

​
 

Taking out a long sigh, Marlena's eyes left the contract in her hand and glanced at the clock on the wall, thinking about joining the ISA and becoming an agent gave a sense of power, but with that, the memories of Kit crept back in, she couldn't help it, shaking her head, she spoke. “I guess James has been asleep for the past hour, huh?”

“Yeah.” Sawyer closed his file with a sigh of relief, grateful she’d finally noticed he was getting bored. Marlena closed her papers too, then narrowed her eyes at his, he was quiet.

“What?”

“Are you…okay?” God, how did he do that? It was that look again, the piercing one that made her feel like she could actually talk to him. She forced her voice to come out calm.

“Of course. Why?”

“I don’t mean to be nosy, and you can tell me to fuck off if you want to, but…” he pointed at her hands. They were clenched into fists to squelch the shaking.

Obviously, it wasn’t working. She was a mess after her session with Emma, but suddenly a prick of ugly memories had returned, a constant tickle at the back of her head, dribbling down the veins of her neck and arms and into her hands until it pressed eagerly at her fingertips, searching for release. Maybe it was all of this ISA talk, she wasn't sure, but somehow he picked up on that.

"how can you tell?"

Was it the memories that made her anxious, or the fear that she’d somehow gotten herself back into a place where she could lose control? Marlena held her hands up to let him see.

"your hands" he pursed his lips, “The day we were at Maison Blanche, from the ruins, you picked up all sorts of things. Your hands were fine. But then we saw that metal bar, and you freaked.” Marlena dropped her hands in her lap.

 

“Something really bad happened to you with it, huh?”

“Pretty bad.” her lungs felt too big for her diaphragm.

“No, not just bad, but crazy. I've never seen anyone react like that to something.”

She blinked and shook her head.

“Marlena, I can’t imagine that anything you could possibly tell me would make me not wanting to be your friend, your future partner.” A lump rose in the back of his throat.

He knew she was going to tell him, and just the knowledge that she was about to let it out made his heart pound so wildly that it was like the ocean was roaring in his ears. She took a deep breath to steady herself.

“It started with a dream...a beautiful dream..of John..I took a sleeping pill because I couldn't stand to think about Kit...anymore...I needed to shut it all down... He came to me when I was asleep..” The words 'came to me' made her jaw lock, and she had to stop. Those were not the right words. Sawyer scooted closer to her, not touching her. “I’m sorry, I haven’t talked about this yet...”

“Please don’t be sorry. Are you okay? Do you not want to go on?” Her insides shook. Every part of her went painfully rigid—just from talking, and she hadn’t really said anything yet. It was as though her memory was a slab of granite, buried under thick layers of earth, and the shakiness she’d been experiencing was that incomprehensible weight finally trying to quake free.

 

Suddenly she wanted to finish. She wanted to release it. Needed to release it, the session with Emma that morning opened the gates to that need, the need to be free. “He was there. I woke up to see him with his...hand between my..my thighs..” Marlena's voice sounded terrible, all stiff and croaky and raw. “I thought it was John, I was dreaming of John, I was mildly sedated and I...I thought I was still dreaming. I closed my legs, I screamed my lungs out, but he shut my mouth with his sweaty palm...” She shuddered.

She remembered Kit's disgusting words poured over her like a bucket of frozen marbles—

Open your legs.

You are mine.

You’re so fucking hot Kitten

— And she really began to shake. Tears gathered in her eyes but wouldn’t fall. Marlena’s chest rose and fell as she took James blanket in her hand. She wasn’t sure she could keep going, but somehow the words came.

 

“I was fighting him, you know? It made him angry, furious. All the time, very furious. I managed to scratch his eye, to draw blood. It didn't help me, I was...I was bound. You know..my wrist were bound above my head...If only I weren't on that sedative.. wasn't that stupid? I wasn't thinking.” Marlena shook her head slowly, she was trembling now, all over.

 

“I kept resisting him, and I guess that in one point, he had enough..and he grabbed that...that metal bar” A tear broke over the edge of her lower lid and slid down her cheek. She expected Sawyer to say something, but he only waited. “that bar...it was a spreader bar...I was resisting him, but he was too strong, once he was done tying it to my ankles, I...I couldn't use my legs anymore...I couldn't kick him...I couldn't..close them” Why didn’t she fight him harder? Her mouth had gone cotton-dry.

 

Sawyer cleared his throat.

Her heart thundered so loud in her ears she thought she might have a panic attack. She wondered if she was going too far, saying too much, but she couldn’t stop now—the words were heaving and burping inside her like lava trying to erupt. There would be no more stuffing of feelings into jars. Not now.

 

“I’m not sure if he had always planned to come after me or if he took one attack at a time. But he... touched me, and when I pulled away, that’s always when things got…bad.” Bile rose in her throat. Marlena swallowed and breathed, swallowed and breathed until it finally slid back down. Sawyer wanted to squeeze her hands in his, but he kept still.

“And you know what the worst part was? At some point, I stopped feeling that spreader bar, like it wasn't even there. I couldn't feel anything... it was too painful even to have emotions” The bile rose again, and she had to pause for a long time. The tick-tocking of Marlena’s living room clock filled the gaping silence. He waited with his hands tight around himself.

 

“And here’s the scary part,” she said, almost in a whisper. “While he was…in me, I snapped. I literally snapped. I heard a noise in my brain and everything. I still don’t know how I did it. I was so fast, so…precise. I scratched him. In the eye. With my fingernail. His eyeball bleed. Oh, gosh.” She jumped up and began to pace. Sawyer stood and tugged his hands into his pockets. “He was screaming at me, raging, calling me a slut and a bitch, telling me he was going to fucking kill me. And I...I believed him.” Somewhere in the back of her mind, a little voice warned her that she should not tell this part, But she’d already gone so far, and there were those green eyes again, peering inside her—she had no choice but to finish. “I didn't want to show him that, but, yeah, I believed him. Jesus, there was so much blood,” she said the last part so quickly it sounded like all one word. Marlena stopped pacing and turned toward Sawyer, and they stood in the middle of the room facing each other like that for a good minute. Then, slowly, he took her trembling hands in his and eased her back down to the sofa with him. “Marlena, it’s okay, you—”

 

“Rape victims are supposed to want to shower right after their attack, I usually did... I used to scrub myself so long and so hard that I'd scrape away layers of skin. But, after that attack..after he left, I just…laid there on my bed. Why didn’t I want to clean myself, Sawyer? What the fuck was wrong with me? Was I admitting defeat? I didn’t get up until I had to puke.” That was most of it. That was enough. Sawyer still clasped his hands in hers, and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

Her jaw hurt. Her limbs felt hollow.

 

“This man who did this to you,” Sawyer finally said, and his voice sounded croaky now too, “He's not here anymore, he can't hurt you again” he finished.

 

She didn’t have much left in the way of words, and it was a few moments before Marlena could speak.

“Do you think he's...dead?”

“I want to believe that,”

“He deserved it,” she muttered.

she was glad Sawyer didn't say something like 'You did what you had to do to survive.'

Marlena took her hands back and just laid her head and sighed. James's crying broke the silence in the room, and she picked him up from his bassinet and brought him back into her loving arms.

 

Sawyer’s cell phone rang. He stood up. While listening to the person on the other end of the line he looked at her, that was it, she has opened up to him, and it eased his mind that she has. Nothing about it was easy to understand, but he was willing to try.

 

James latched again with hunger, and she covered his warm body back, he smelled so sweet, and she missed that baby smell, she used to remember how John sniffed Belle when she was a tiny infant, it always made her laugh.

 

Talking about Kit with Sawyer felt right, somehow the session with Emma made her more intuned with her emotions, and increased her ability to vocalize her fears. Raising her eyes from James, she looked at Sawyer’s face, his expression was disturbed.

Closing his clamp cellphone, he came closer,

“What?” she knew it had something to do with her

“It was the lab, they asked me to get down over there. They have the results on the ashes we picked at Maison Blanche.”